I'll be guest blogging for Neal Pollack all next week, so look for new stuff by me on his site. Some favorite recycled posts chosen by you, the readers, in an online poll will appear here at utter wonder. Consider it a "Reliving Old Classics" week. Okay, that's a big stretch, I know. Felt good, though, yes? About time you gave some "me time" to your aching and atrophied muscles. You know, this is hard to say, but we all think you could ease up on the food a bit. It's time to think long term about your health, and you should start with your diet. You are special to us. That's why we're all here. We love you. We care about you. We think you're fat. You're very, very fat. Doug, do you have something you wish to share?

DOUG: Yes, I do. At first I thought your donut fixation was kind of funny, and that it gave your personality some jollyish charm. But over the few weeks that I've known you, I've started to see just how much your love of fried, glazed dough dictates everything you do in your life. I don't like finding your bloated, sticky body on my couch at odd hours of the night. I can't take it anymore. I love you. I care about you. I think you're fat. Very, very fat.

YOUR MOTHER: Oh, honey, this is so hard for me. A part of me can't help but blame myself for this. All those times when you were young and I told you to clean your plate or you'd get no dessert. All the times I rewarded you for tidying up your room and getting C's in science with surprise jaunts to the donut store. All the times when--

YOUR FATHER: For Christ sakes, get on it, Dolores! It's not your fault. It's about time our child took some of the responsibility for this. Get on with it!

YOUR MOTHER: Honey, we're here because we think--

YOUR FATHER: We know!--

YOUR MOTHER: --we know you need some help. Your father and I love you. We care about you. We think, no, we know you're fat. Very, very fat.

THE PERSON IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU OBSESSED ABOUT: Hi. I guess you remember me. I can't say the same about you. I was just invited to this because everyone said that you had a big crush on me in high school, and that maybe if I was here to tell you how disgustingly fat you are you'd start exercising or something. Plus I'm sleeping with Doug, so I came with him. Anyway, I'm flattered that you thought I was hot in high school. I'm still pretty hot, aren't I?

DOUG: Oh God yes.

THE PERSON IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU OBSESSED ABOUT: Thanks. Were you this bad looking in high school? I'm thinking that you probably were. Thank you for never asking me out because it would have been very awkward coming up with lame reasons why I wouldn't go out with you. It's different now since we're both adults and I can be straight up with: you're way too fat and bad-looking to be seen with. Ok, I guess I'm done. Oh, yeah, right...I love you. I care about you. I think you're fat. Very, very fat.

So I hope this has helped. I know I feel better. The ball is in your court. It's time for you to help you. Now, on with today's feature...

Other Names Hans Blix's Parents Considered Naming Their Son:

Hansel
Han
Hank
Otis
Tad
Whitey
Zone
Orenthal James
Sinbad
Bill Bixby
Hacksaw Jim
Pick Up Sticks
Wendy

This post is dedicated to coasters.