It seems to me that Dan Rather is behaving just a little too self-important when giving us the lowdown on Iraq. Granted he is normally the King of Self-Importance anyway, but there's an extra-special self-important glitter in his eye that is pretty damn ridiculous. I spent the greater part of my weekend eating chips and watching college basketball. (It's a life.) Every so often Dan would break in with the latest from the War. He almost seemed to be reveling in revealing all the gory new details. At the same time his over-serious tone and stoic expressions made me feel like I was a loser for eating chips and watching college basketball all day while our sons and daughters were fighting it out in the desert. Just who does he think he is? Super Anchorman Jesus? It's not like he's out there on the front lines himself. Rather interviews these panicky reporters in gas masks with bombs exploding in their background and he's supposed to be the hero? Then there's the way he reads his lines, it's so damn mannered and deliberate. I am forever wincing when he speaks. The worst is the way he wraps up the bulletins with lines like "When news breaks-out, we'll break-in and give you the news." I bet when the cameras are off he sits at his desk rehearsing these lines while gazing into a handheld vanity mirror. Oh, to be so pretty and smart and self-important and frequency-knowing. I dedicate the next chip I eat to you, Dan.

You think Bob Costas regrets naming his first son after Kirby Puckett? I remember how they both made a big deal out of it way back when. I think it had something to do with a bet that Puckett won, so Costas had to give his son the middle name of "Kirby." But since Puckett's retirement he's taken up the fine art of harassing women. I suppose it could have been worse. Costas could have named his son "Orenthal" or "Iron Mike" or "Tonya." Still though, it's got to be tough for the kid. Awkward at least. You think "Uncle Kirby" comes around for the holidays? Talk about your strained family get-togethers, huh? I'm so thankful Kirby Puckett isn't my uncle. Not just because he has some serious women issues, but also because he has glaucoma, and I hear that's hereditary.

I don't care what people say about actors who speak out against the war. I'm all for it. Mainly because actors are the beautiful people and when it comes right down to it I'm not hot and heavy for the war either so it's nice to be grouped in with the beautiful people because we share the same views. I've been trying all my life for it. Every living breath in high school I spent trying to ingratiate myself with the beautiful people. I had varying degrees of success, no real rewarding moments, but enough "almosts" that kept me motivated to continue working toward my goal. Now as an adult, I find it easier to simply agree with the beautiful people about everything, and in some small way I, too, feel beautiful. As for the beautiful people award show, I was happy and relieved to see the Oscars go off without a hitch. The beautiful people deserve their time in the spotlight where all the boring and average people have to listen to their thoughtful speeches and gaze at their decadent attire. Speaking of decadent attire, I can't let this entry go without a mention of the radiantly dressed Joan van Ark at last night's show. Don't tell me you can't make JC Penny work until you've seen Miss van Ark (or is it "Miss Ark," I always get confused by that) decked out in the underrated department store's finest garb. Never mind that she wasn't invited, or that she thought she was at the 1983 People's Choice Awards, the woman looked great. She made “Knots Landing,” the best most knottiest hour in television for nearly a decade. So cut her some slack, G.

This post is dedicated to gardenias.