The National Spelling Bee concludes today. I always enjoy watching it because I love to spell and I love watching other people spell. I also enjoy being reminded that there are a lot of really geeky kids out there. Some lovable, and some not so lovable. Especially those home-schoolers. I've never met a home-schooled kid I haven't found fascinating and frightening. Most are pretty smart, but utterly lacking in street smarts. I'd never subject The Chosen One or Lil' Buddy to home-schooling. Yes, they would obtain maximum knowledge from my very knowledgeable mind, but they would also wind up getting zero girlie action (or if so inclined, boy action) as teenagers. I don't care if you can name all the Bays of Antarctica or read "I am the Cheese" in French, if you can't dress nattily or flirt with flair you will be one miserable teen.

But as spelling goes, home-schoolers reign supreme. I suspect yet another one of them will walk away with The Bee's top honor today. I'm not sure this is the best message we should be sending our kids, that to be a top-notch speller you have to sacrifice all your social skills and fashion sense. So to shake things up a bit and to prove that you don't have to be home-schooled or even a regular-schooled geek to compete and win The National Spelling Bee, I will show-off my spelling prowess in a spelling exhibition that will demonstrate that you can be cool, hip, and happenin' while being a wicked awesome speller at the same time. Let the spelling begin.

"Word #1: scyphistoma"

Scyphistoma. (Easy one.) May I have the definition of the word?

"Scyphistoma: a sexually produced scyphozoan larva that ultimately repeatedly constricts transversely to form free-swimming medusae."

Scyphistoma. S-C-Y-P-H-I-S-T-O-M-A.

"Correct!"

Of course.

"Word #2: leptocephalus"

Leptocephalus. (Piece o' cake.) Please give the definition of the word.

"Leptocephalus: A long thin small-headed transparent pelagic first larva of various eels."

Leptacephalus. (Might as well build some suspense.) May I have the word's origins?

"New Latin."

Leptacephalus. L-E-P-T-A-C-E-P-H-A-L-U-S.

"Correct!"

I know. La-dee-da. I thought this would be more of a challenge. Oh well. I'm just that good a speller, I reckon.

"Final word: caterpillar"

Caterpillar. (Hmm.) Please give the definition of the word.

"Caterpillar: the elongated wormlike larva of a butterfly or moth."

Caterpillar. (Man why did I have to get stuck with this one?) Please give the word's origins.

"Middle English and Old North French."

Caterpillar. (Suck! Give me a word that's at least used every once in a while. Man!) Are there any alternate pronunciations?

"No."

Are there any alternate definitions of the word?

"No."

(Damn it!) Caterpillar. You're sure there are no other alternate pronunciations, right?

"Yes."

Okay, just checking. Have to make sure. Never can be too care-

"We need a spelling, sir."

"Either you know it or you don't, son!"

Shut-up, Mom! God. Why do you always have to butt in!

"Don't talk to your mother that way, boy!"

Leave me alone, Dad! You'd rather be home watching hockey, anyway!

"And so what if I would? At least that's a man's thing to do. Go ahead and spell the word, sissy."

You'll never understand me, Father! Never! Why can't you just love me for who I am! GOD!

"Um, sir, we need a spelling."

(Yeah, yeah. Whatever.) Caterpillar: K-A-T-T-I-R-P-I-L...(oh, who cares anymore!?!?)F-U-C-

"Sorry, sir, that's incorrect."

WHO CARES!?! God! I hate you all!!!

This post is dedicated to pots who call kettles black.