Question: I heard Aishwarya Rai, one of India's most popular film stars, has signed to play Pierce Brosnan's love interest in the next James Bond film. True?--Jeff Jarvis, NYC.

Walter Scott's answer: The only actor committed to the 21st 007 film is Brosnan , 50, who'll make his fifth appearance as the suave hero. Newspapers in India reported that Rai, 29--a former Miss World best known for the Bollywood blockbuster "Devdas"--was approached about being the next Bond girl. But sources at MGM tell us "There is no script yet, so no one knows what roles will be cast."

My answer: Aishwarya Rai, 29, is by far the finest Indian actress of our time. I shouldn't even qualify it by saying "finest Indian actress", she's one of the finest Indian woman of our time. Hands down. So why she would belittle her star power to appear in a rinky-dink Bond movie makes no sense to me whatsoever. It breaks my heart a little, actually. Rai, 29, is too talented of an actress and too fine a piece of tail to settle for some skanky Bond girl role. She belongs in something more worthy, like a made for TV movie or a "Falcon Crest" for the new millennium type of television drama. Wait--is your question some kind of evil joke, Jeff? I bet it is. Where did you hear this rumor about Rai, 29, doing a Bond film? I doubt you have access to Indian newspapers. Who are you anyway? Who do you think you are writing to Walter Scott, 92, with filthy, dirty lies like this? Why Walter and I have wasted our time to answer your "question" I don't even know. Get a life, Jeff. Really. Hurry. Run. Go. Now.

Question: Please settle a bet. My husband says the father of actor/wrestler The Rock is a Native American. I say he's a black wrestler. Who's right?--Dawn Olsen, Cleveland.

Walter Scott's answer: You are. The Rock, a.k.a. Dwayne Johnson, 31, is the son of Rocky Johnson, 58--one of pro wrestling's first black stars--and Ata, 54, the daughter of Samoan wrestler High Chief Peter Maivia.

My answer: The fact that you care so much about The Rock's, a.k.a. Dwayne Johnson, 31, ethnicity shows how dedicated you are to multiculturalism and professional wrestling. Your question speaks volumes about the type of person you are, and let me say that I would love to get to know you. I'm sure together we could break down the racial backgrounds of many of our favorite pro wrestlers. Like the Iron Sheik, 72, you think he really was Iranian? I have my doubts. Or how about Nikolai Volkov, probably dead, the big Russian wrestler? Sure he looked and sounded Russian, but I saw a little Idaho in him, too. Now Special Delivery Jones, have no clue, was definitely black, but black what? Haitian? Kenyan? Jamaican? I can name countless wrestler whose ethnic background I'm unsure of. Run away with me, Dawn! Let's start a life together, a life where nothing will stop us from exposing the racial identities of every single professional wrestler in the history of professional wrestling! We can change the world, Dawn--CHANGE THE WORLD!

Question: How does pop princess Shakira maintain that head-to-toe healthy look in her skin-baring outfits?--Glenn Reynolds, Nashville.

Walter Scott's answer: The flaxen-haired diva indulges in facials and body massages. On a recent trip to Phoenix for a concert, for instance, Shakira, 26, booked spa treatments at Camelback Inn and loaded up on the cranberry body balm and lemon sugar polish. Sounds more like the recipe of tangy dessert than for a tawny glow.

My answer: I love tangy desserts. Sign me up for anything lemony, I'll be eating it before you can say "Latin Grammy Award". As for Shakira, 26, I, too, am infatuated with her skin-baring outfits. There is nothing like a good skin-baring outfit, I say. Nothing. Okay maybe Gortex jackets, but that's it. Glenn, I'll guess 42, you strike me as someone who fancies wearing skin-baring outfits himself, am I right? Of course I am; I have a sixth sense for people who enjoy skin-baring outfits. That and the fact that you'd take the time to write to Walter Scott and use the phrase "skin-baring" sort of tipped me off, too. I admire your bravery for putting your fetish out there for all of Parade Magazine's readers to see. I wish there were more skin-baring outfit freaks that had the courage to celebrate and admit their passion so that craving and wearing skin-baring outfits would no longer seem taboo or messed-up by society's standards. I hope that one day you will reap the fruits of your courageous effort by being able to walk down the street or through a Wal-Mart wearing a skin-bearing outfit. As for that skin of Shakira's, 26, well I'd say that time spent at the Cameltoe Camelback Inn did wonders for her. If all it takes is a couple of days of facials and body balms to get me looking and smelling like a tangy dessert, then Phoenix here I come!

This post is dedicated to washing sheets and taking names.