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Titling My Untitled NaNoWriMo Novel (My Untitled Masterwork, Part V). Posted 11/21/2003 08:07 AM by cmonks in My Masterwork.
From Ian: From Merdog: And from Kat: I know, I know, I know: how is one supposed to choose from three such splendid titles? Talk about your Herculean tasks. Well, I agonized and agonized and in the end decided to combine these three titles into create one perfect title, because really, my untitled masterwork deserves nothing less than a perfect title. Here it is in all its glory: Innocuous Kielbasa: Putting the Sex-Type Thing On, Vol. 1 I know it's a mouthful (figuratively and literally), but still I think it evokes the imagery I want my masterwork to evoke. Perhaps book clubs who read it will shorten it to "IKPSTTOV1," and if they choose to do so they have my blessing. I promised a prize for the winning entry, and even though there are three winners I plan on prizing in each of them. Each winner will receive a signed copy of one page from my novel. It may not seem like that big a prize now, but once the publishing war ensues over my work, you'll surely score a small fortune from it on eBay. So to honor and celebrate my newly titled NaNoWriMo novel I offer you another passage from its scintillating and titillating pages. As you remember the last installment ended while Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily and Count von Hasselhoff were simultaneously strategizing about the Count's campaign for registrar probate of Hasselhofferania and making an amateur sex video. Suddenly, Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily's cell phone rang and she got off the bed to check her caller ID. Let's pick it up from there... Innocuous Kielbasa: Putting the Sex-Type Thing On, Vol. 1 "Aargh," Count von Hasselhoffer aarghed. "Oh my god!" Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily shrieked, looking at her phone. "Who is it?" "Yo' mama!" "My mama?" Count von Hasselhoffer asked, perplexed and confused. "Yes, yo' mama," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily said. "Oh." "Yep." "Okay, let's get back to making our amateur sex video." "Actually, I've grown tired of making our amateur sex video," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily lamented. "You have?" "Yes, I have. Plus I don't think today is the right day to do it, what with it being the anniversary of JFK's assassination and all." "Hmm. I see your point," Count von Hasselhoffer said. He tapped his forehead to show Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily just how much he saw her point. "Do you have a headache?" "Me? No." "I just thought since you were tapping your forehead that you may have a headache." "Oh," Count von Hasselhoffer responded. "I just tapped my forehead to give you a physical display showing my understanding of your point." "Oh." "Yep. Wait; was Kennedy shot 40 years ago on this very day?" "I think so," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily said. The she paused for a second and thought. "Now that I've paused for a second and thought about it I'm not so sure. There have been so many specials on PBS this week about the assassination that I'm confused as to which day is the actual anniversary of his death." "I think it's tomorrow," Count von Hasselhoffer said. He wasn't sure, but he felt he needed to firmly select a day because if he was to become registrar probate of Hasselhofferania he would have to make firm, tough choices." "I think maybe you're right," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily said. "You do?" "Yep. November 22nd, 1963 rings a bell." "It does?" "Yes, it does. Do you remember where you were when you found out he'd been shot?" Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily asked. "Oh, I wasn't alive yet," Count von Hasselhoffer said. "You weren't?" "No, I was born 1980." "Wild stuff," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily said. "How about you?" Count von Hasselhoffer asked. "Well, let's see, I was working at my family's kielbasa factory then, so that would have made me 31." "31?" "Yep." "So you're 71 now?" "I'm 70. My birthday is in December." "Oh." "Yep." "Yeah, I think it's a good idea to stop making our amateur sex video, too. In fact I think we should both put out clothes on and pretend it never happened," Count von Hasselhoffer said. "Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to take a very long shower." "Ooo," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily oooed. "May I join you?" "Um," Count von Hasselhoffer ummed. "Actually, the shower stall is kinda funny, and for some reason it won't let me take showers with elderly women." "Oh." "Yep." The two stood there for a long awkward moment. Neither was sure as to what to say next. Suddenly a relationship that had seemed so natural and exciting had turned into an uncomfortable and icky thing. After a few more long awkward moments, Count von Hasselhoffer finally broke the silence. "So, I'm gonna go ahead and take that shower now." "Okay," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily said. But before Count von Hasselhoffer could cleanse himself the doors of the bedroom opened with a loud crash, and through them entered dozens of police officers and federal agents in cool sunglasses and black suits. One of them approached the Count. "Count von Hasselhoff?" "Yes, that is I," Count von Hasselhoffer said. "Sir, we have a warrant to search the grounds of your castle." "A warrant?" Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily shrieked. "On what grounds?" "The Count is under suspicion for improper manufacturing and use of kielbasa and other novelty meats." "That's outrageous!" Count von Hasselhoffer cried. "Is this because my new CD came out on Tuesday?" "Sir, you'll have an opportunity to defend yourself during our interrogation. Until that time I suggest you and your grandmother get your clothes on and wait in our van." "I'm not his grandmoth--" "SHHHH!" Count von Hasselhoffer shhed Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily. "Yes," he said to the police officer, "my grandmother and I would be happy to clothe ourselves and wait in your van." "What?" Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily asked, perplexed and confused. "Come along, Grandmother," Count von Hasselhoffer said. "We mustn't let you get a chill, what with your poor circulation and all." Suddenly the police officer's cell phone rang. He answered it. "Officer Shelton, Hasselhofferania PD...yes, yes...I see...well...yes, I understand you are sick and tired and....but...listen, you don't have to use that language....I know, but....look, I never claimed to know what it's like to walk in your shoes...no, I did not...I'm a size fourteen, anyway...no, it's not too hard to find them...most fine big and tall stores stock them...but, sir...sir....sir...wait just a second, sir...no, I assure you that this is not a modern day lynching...well, I'm sorry you feel that way...yes, yes...okay, well, I'll guess we'll just have to agree to disagree, sir...okay....fine...fine, sir....be that way...goodbye." Officer Shelton got off his phone. The conversation appeared to have jarred him. "You look jarred," Count von Hasselhoffer told him. "Well, it's not everyday I'm the receiver of such a firestorm of rage and accusation," Officer Shelton said. "Who was it on the phone?" Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily asked. But before Officer Shelton could answer, Count von Hasselhoffer interrupted for as soon as he had seen the jarred expression on the policeman's face he knew who was on the other end of the line. Only one person could leave such a profound impression. "It was my brother, Count von Jermaine Hasselhoffer." And right then and there, Count von Hasselfhoffer knew that everything he held dear was now in jeopardy. That's it for now. I think now that my previously untitled NaNoWriMo novel now has a kick-ass title, the story is even more compelling and wicked awesome. And even though I am a little behind in my quest for 50,000 words by the end of the month I have no doubt that after I watch my TiVoed "Victoria Secret Fashion Show" for the fifth time I will be ready to sit down and bang out several more chapters of "IKPSTTOV1."
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Well, I can't tell you how touched I am by all the wonderful entries I've received for my "Title My Untitled NaNoWriMo Novel Contest." There wasn't a lame one in the bunch. Okay, that's a lie; there were a few lame ones. But even those came from a loving place. After much deliberation I chose these three titles as the finalists: