Hi there. Great to see you. Been a long time. We should get together more often. I know winter is upon us, but that's still no reason for you and I not to hangout. I enjoy hanging out with you. Remember that time a couple of Februarys ago when you ran out of clean underwear and wore me as a substitute? That rocked. Now, I realize I've been bitter in the past about how you've treated me during the off-season, but I've decided to let bygones be bygones. What we got is good, man, and I think it's worth it to do all we can to make this thing work.

I know what you're thinking: you're thinking I'm sucking up to you because you recently bought a new pair of swim trunks. Well, please believe me when I say that nothing could be further from the truth. I realize that the new swim trunks are simply a pair of back-up swim trunks in case I can't go when called upon. Like if for instance you failed to properly hang me to dry or peed in me one too many times while wading in the water. I understand. All popular clothes need emergency back-ups; it's smart and savvy of you to recognize this. Now typically, back-up clothing items tend to fall on the more generic side as they're more a practicality than a stylish fashion statement. So yes, it did come as a bit of a surprise when I discovered the Tommy Hilfiger logo on the new swim trunks. That's quite an expensive pair of back-up swim trunks you have there! But who I am to judge? You're the clothing wearer and you know best. Who cares if the turtlenecks and I think you're way over your fashion head with the purchase of Tommy Hilfiger back-up swim trunks? Everyone knows the turtlenecks are uppity contrarians, and me, well, I'm just a modest pair of high-end swim trunks who nobody ever listens to. Ever.

Did I mention I'm also a collector's item? Kmart no longer sells "Surf Dude" attire, so my value is pretty high on the antique swimsuit market. Sure my "Surf Dude" logo has faded and my mesh lining is no longer an ivory white (for obvious reasons), but I bet I'd fetch a pretty good penny. Not that I think you should sell me off. No, you and I have some more history to make. Plus I'm not sure if Tommy is ready for the big time because, no offense, it takes a lot of mental and physical stamina to be your #1 swimsuit of choice. A LOT.

But enough about me, you, and us. It's Miss World time again, and I 'm here to offer my annual predictions for beauty pageant to end all beauty pageants. Of my three picks to reach the finals last year, only one, Miss China, made the top five. This year presents another challenge, as the field is loaded with top-notch potential Miss Worlds. It's a terribly difficult and ballsy task to put oneself out on a limb and predict the finalists, but I'm prepared to do it. (See Tommy try to do this; he'd pop his drawstring before he even made his first pick, I bet.) So without further ado, here are my predicted finalists:

Miss Ireland
At first glance this may seem an easy choice, given her pre-competition win as Miss World Beach Beauty 2003. But Miss Ireland, Rosanna Davison, has a lot of baggage that many feel might hurt her chances of winning it all. The most obvious one being that she's the daughter of musician Chris DeBurgh, of "Lady in Red" fame. I cringe at the mere mention of that song. And now, of course, I have the mind-eating the tune whirling around in my head. Great, I'll be singing "Lady in Red" to myself for the next couple of days. Awesome. Just what I need. I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight. I've never seen you shine so bright. Goddamnit! See what I mean? So unless one of the judges is like some DeBurgh-head you have to say her father's music will hurt her overall score. With that said, though, I can't not pick the Miss World Beach Beauty 2003 as one of my finalists. Simply put: girlfriend knows how to wear a swimsuit. And I should know: I am a swimsuit.

Miss China
It’s a smart bet to go with the Chinese representative again this year because her country is hosting the event. But that's not the only reason Qi Guan will reach the finals. She's an engaging and talented contestant, who also happens to have gills. Yep, gills. Imagine that! I guess there are some close-minded people out there who aren't ready to accept beauty pageant contestant with gills, but their opinion doesn't hold much water with me. I bet it doesn't hold much water with Miss China either: she just processes the water through one gill and out the other! I think that's how gills work anyway, I don't know I'm a swimsuit; not a marine biologist. I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance, looking for a little romance. Arrgh. Damn it. Sorry. Anyway, Miss China is a contestant to be reckoned with. Her "Ums" per minute average is second only to Miss Swaziland's (sister speaks like nine languages), and one cannot underestimate the importance of minimizing "Ums" during the final round of questioning. Boy, does China churn out the low-ummers or what?

Miss Macedonia F.Y.O.R.O.
I could go on and on about why I think Marija Vasuc, Miss Macedonia F.Y.O.R.O. will be there at the end, but I think a few excerpts from her official bio on SantaBanta.com do a far better job than I in communicating just how great a person and contestant she is:

"Marija was born in Skopje, the capital of Macedonia. She was an extraordinary gymnasium student and the winner in many well known knowledge competitions. Such as history, biology and chemistry, she was given the title 'Intellectual Giant' for her generation."

I mean, how can one not pick an "Intellectual Giant" to be a finalist for a beauty pageant? Plus she was great a gym. Let's continue:

"This year she started her studies at the Medical Faculty in Skopje. Beauty and fashion are completing the dimensions of her personal goals. The assemblage of physical, mental and moral qualities accomplish the perfection of her personality."

God, what I would give to be her swimsuit. I mean, I know I'm designed for a man, but still, how great would it be to hug the hips of someone with such an assemblage of physicality, mentality, and morality?

"The Lady in red is dancing with me. Cheek to cheek. There's nobody here. It's just you and me. It's where I want to be."

Arrgh! Damn it. Sorry.

"Marija always wanted two things: to become 'Miss World' and to become a doctor, it is her belief that beauty is a very strong flow of positive energy which can assist in curing people."

Never have I read words that were more true. Never. Beauty does have a positive energy healing power. Why do you think Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition is so popular? I think it's an open and shut case. Not only will Miss Macedonia F.Y.O.R.O. be a finalist at this weekend's Miss World pageant, but she's going to win the whole thing. Mark my words: Miss Macedonia F.Y.O.R.O. will be Miss World 2004, and she will be the most extraordinarily beautiful, moral, mental, and intellectual giantess ever to hold the title.

So that's it. I'm done. Time to put me back in the far end of your underwear drawer. Any message you want to pass along to Tommy? If not, I'll just make something up. Don't worry; it won't be mean. Or not that mean, at least. He needs to toughen up a bit, anyhow. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what he's in for. You haven't told him about your phobia of beach port-o-johns, have you? Thought not. I'll break it to him gently; it's better to be told than to be urinated and defecated on with warning. Happy holidays and see you (hopefully) at Hilton Head!

This post is dedicated to Patti Freeman.