It's time again for my monthly death wish where I critique photos that bloggers have posted of themselves. This will be the third go round of this feature, and surprises of surprises, my blog career has yet to be ruined by it. As far as I can tell all the bloggers I've critiqued have been good sports. Either that or their ignoring me like they did the special needs kids back when they were in high school. I've only actually heard back from two of the ten bloggers I've reviewed, Dawn Olsen and Oliver Willis. So both of them receive my maddest props for taking my silly, inconsequential criticisms in stride.

Willis's readers, however, miss out on the mad props getting. They took issue with me calling the color scheme in Willis' photo "bland" and considered the comment a personal attack against Willis. So they responded in kind with some unkind responses about me. Oh well. Reactions like that are to be expected, I suppose. That's why so few are called to do this important task of critiquing photos that bloggers post of themselves. You need a thick skin or at the very least an "I'm rubber you're glue mentality." I have both.

God, I hope I do, at least. I got a feeling I better have after this installment, anyway.

My goals here are twofold: first, it's to highlight and celebrate some of the more lovely, fascinating, and creepy blog photos in the blogosphere; and second, it's to help bloggers see what makes a good blog photo because god knows we need a whole lot more of them. Now the best blog photo, of course, is no blog photo at all. But if you’re a blogger who feels compelled to post a photo of yourself, may these critiques help guide you to select a truly superior blog photo instead of a severely creepy blog photo.

So with that said it's time to critique more bloggers' photos. But before I do, let me again explain the grading system which I use for judging each blogger's photograph:

A = Wow. Way to go. You got the goods and you know how to deliver them. There should be more photos of you on your blog; in fact it should be riddled with them. I shall dream about you.

B = Solid effort. You're not quite as good-looking as me, but still you don't look troubled or ill. Your weird writings aside, you look to be a pretty normal person who if I passed on the street I might smile at, but in a very non-flirtatious way. Please don't misread my display of friendliness—I don't want to date you.

C = Your photo looks like a rejected yearbook picture. You know, like you either had one eye closed or some saliva dangling from a tooth. This of course begs the question: if you didn't select this picture for your yearbook, why did you choose it for your blog? Then again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder; who cares if your beholder is blind and retarded?

D = Well, it could be worse: you could have lesions or pronounced moles on your face. Your bravery for posting the pic is commendable, if not philanthropic. If they made TV Movie of the Weeks about homely looking people willing to post their photos yours would premiere during sweeps.

F = No comment. I'm smiling and not saying anything because I was taught that's the polite thing to do when you're frightened by a grotesque monstrosity that makes you want to vomit all the way home to your mama.

Neil Gaiman
There is a serious late 80s European New Wave group member vibe going on here. Gaiman looks pleasant and friendly, and about ready to sing a medley of Scritti Pollitti songs. That's not a bad thing, I suppose, but I'm not sure he'll be able to hold his audience for too long a time, because let's face it: after "Perfect Way" what other Scritti Politti songs are there? I do prefer the New Wave Gaiman over the over the Mildly-Succesful-Drummer-for-a-Pop-Metal-Band Gaiman, though. I'm glad he's cut his hair. I'm not a fan of long male hair. Not on anybody. Even Mark Gastineau.
GRADE: B-

Michael J. Totten
I'm not much of a fan of facial hair either. I mean, what are you hiding behind there, anyway? No, unless you're Dan Haggerty, you pretty much have no business not shaving every morning like the rest of us. Goatees, in particular, seldom do what goatee-wearers intend them to do. For the most part, the intention of a goatee-wearer is to create some sort of unique charm or coolness, or to help them score with that real hot grad student all the other profs are talking about in the teacher's lounge. But what the goatee-wearer fails to understand is that it does none of those things because it's obviously a self-conscious attempt to be cool and hip and to score with that real hot grad student all the other profs are talking about in the teacher's lounge. Anyway, "Hi, Michael J. Totten!" What's the "J" for, anyway? Oh, the possibilities are endless. All the same, it may be better off without the "J". It's just a little too precious. Nobody is asking, but I'd drop the goatee and the "J" in a heartbeat if I were him. He's got a bit of a smug, Vodakapunditesque-type expression, too. I'd be more inclined to believe how cool and hip he was if he didn't have a picture of himself on his blog showing how cool and hip he thinks he is. The sad thing is that Michael J. Totten looks like a nice enough guy. Attractive, even. And the sepia tone of the photo is a nice touch, too. Still, there too many things wrong about his blog photo for it to warrant a high grade.
GRADE: D

Maggie Berry (Mighty Girl)
Shine, Mighty Girl, shine. If the measure of the power of your blog was equal to how shiny your blog photo was, the Instapundit would be Mighty Girl's houseboy. That wouldn't be such a bad gig, actually. Mighty Girl is witty and pretty, and by far the shiniest blogger in the blogosphere. I bet she'd treat her houseboy well. The real question is whether or not that shine is from the photographer's flash or from her actual face. There's nothing wrong with having a shiny face. Nothing. A well-scrubbed face is an impressive thing to behold. I spent the better part of my 20s trying to achieve a face-shine like that. Failed miserably though. Have the scars to prove it, too.
GRADE: B

Choire Sicha
Perhaps Sicha is preparing to view Mighty Girl's blog photo? That's the only reason I can see for why he's wearing those sunglasses. Ah, sunglasses: what to do about sunglasses? On one hand they're an important tool of defense against the ever increasing power and destruction of UV rays. On the other hand, they are the poseurs' accessory of choice. I never feel comfortable in sunglasses because I fear people will think I'm trying to come off as something that I'm not: a poseur who's paranoid about the sun. Sicha looks fine in sunglasses, in fact, much better than I do, but still I'd prefer to see his peepers. Moreover, the type of sunglasses he's wearing combined with the black shirt and the Keanu "I'm acting" expression hints that his blog might be all about how The Matrix is the most important artistic statement of our time. Maybe the film is the most important artistic statement of our time and maybe it isn't, but if you're the editor of Gawker I don't think you should be cultivating a sense that you care either way. No, I think Sicha is better off losing the sunglasses and wearing a nice kelly green polo for his next blog photo. Kelly green is a very welcoming color. I have, like, nine kelly green polos of my very own. I wear them on Thursdays. That's my "Green" day.
GRADE: C+

Kim du Toit
Oh, dear God, what have I gotten myself into? I really must have some serious masochistic issues to resolve because why else would I even dare critique this guy's photo? I mean it's pretty clear from his pic how he'll respond if he doesn't like what I have to say. So let me focus less on the wood paneled background and the "I'm in my basement ready for anything" feel of the photo, and instead focus more on they stylish way he's rolled up the sleeves of his Oxford. I am a strong proponent of sleeve-roll upping. I think it radiates a certain hard-working, self-sufficient charm. It also is just plain sexy because, because no matter how you cut it forearms are sexy. Whether they be a man's, woman's or Kim du Toit's: forearms are very sensual body parts--oh, dear that was a slip. Sorry. My bad. Kim du Toit is obviously a man. I don't think its a stretch to call him "all-man" even. I mean just look at him, he just oozes power down there in his basement practicing um...gun poses...and...er...eating food from cans...while waiting for...um...the final...er...battle?
GRADE: A+++++

Okay, that's it; I'm done. As always, if you know of a blogger you'd like to see me critique, let me know and I'll see what I can do. Their blog photo has to inspire, captivate or terrify me, though, so chances are I won't be able to fill every single request. Still, it's always worth a shot to nominate somebody. Reach for the stars and whatnot.

My Crititques of Photos that Bloggers Post of Themselves 1
My Crititques of Photos that Bloggers Post of Themselves 2

This post is dedicated to forgetting to dedicate something.