I spent all weekend trying to Photoshop a picture of Mars with a Starbucks on it and I couldn't do it and it sucks. Damn it. It would have been so funny. Really ironical. I mean, they're Starbucks everywhere, am I right? That's why I really thought it would have been funny to have one of those new photos of the surface of Mars with a Starbucks on it. Really funny. Like laugh out loud funny. But now it won't be because stupid Photoshop is so stupid and dumb.

The process started out okay: I found a picture of Mars and a picture of a Starbucks easily enough. I Googled them. Googling is so easy. I wish Photoshopping was like Googling. But it's not. Photoshopping is stupid. The main problem was cutting out the picture of the Starbucks and placing it on the Mars photo. I kept messing it up and never could cut and paste the Starbucks cleanly enough so that it looked like it was actually on Mars. I tried this like forty times. Forty stupid times.

What sucks is that if I had pulled it off I think it would have put this blog over the top. Everybody in the blogosphere would have been talking about my hilarious picture of a Starbucks on Mars. They'd talk about how ironic it was, too. I mean, Starbucks are EVERYWHERE, are they not? My blog would have been linked to like crazy, and I'd finally be let into the elite brotherhood of big time bloggers. People like Chris Pirillo and Raed would have invited me to their fancy blogger cocktail parties and it would have been totally wicked awesome.

But now that's not gong to happen because Photoshop and my pet monkey assistant, Barbara, are stupid. Oh, haven't I mentioned that I have a pet monkey assistant named Barbara? Sorry. My bad. Well, I do. You see, I don't have any thumbs. I can't believe I've never told you that. Hmm. Oh well. Now you know. I'm really not comfortable speaking about how I lost my thumbs, so don't ask. Really. But anyway, since losing my thumbs I've taken on a pet monkey assistant named Barbara who handles all my thumb-necessary chores. I don't know what kind of monkey she is, I pretty much just leave her in her cage most of the time. I only take her out for an "I don't have a thumb" emergency, like when I want to Photoshop a picture of Mars to have a Starbucks on it.

But Barbara was no help at all. She just sort of sat there and played with my mouse, whining about how hungry she was. Like food was even remotely on my mind--I was trying to make blog history for christ sakes! Barbara never understands me. Stupid monkey. I think she's a gibbon. Wait; are gibbons even monkeys? Damn it. Who cares? Monkey or gibbon, I'm still not going to be invited to Raed's blog party now. I had an outfit all picked out for it and everything. Damn it. This all sucks. It's all really stupid and it sucks.

Okay, alright, whatever; I don't actually have a pet monkey assistant named Barbara. I made that up. I made up the part about having no thumbs, too. Sorry. I just felt I needed a better excuse for why I couldn't Photoshop a picture of Mars with a Starbucks on it. I didn't want to come off as stupid or anything. I see other bloggers Photoshopping pictures left and right, so I can't understand why I have so much trouble doing it. It's just a stupid little picture of Mars. I should be able to Photoshop it in a breeze. God damn it. Way to go, me.

So do me a favor, won't you? If you can Photoshop a picture of Mars with a Starbucks on it send it to me and I'll post it on this site. Don't worry, I won't take credit for it or anything. I'll credit myself for the idea, because it really is a hilarious and ironic idea, but you'll get full credit for the Photoshopping. Promise. Just make sure it looks good. I don't want any half-assed attempts. Believe me, I have like forty of them on file already. Thanks.

***UPDATE***

Well, three brave and Photoshop savvy souls have submitted their doctored photos of a Starbucks on Mars. And apparently all three have done it without the slightest help from a pet monkey assistant. Yay them. Let's take a look.

From Patrick...

Nicely done. It should be noted that Patrick also sent a Photoshopped picture of a giant Starbucks logo on the Red Planet. Mad props for having a lot of free time on your hands, Pat!

From Steve...

Steve also informs me that there are a ton of Photoshopped Mars pics all over the internet. Is that supposed to make me feel better, Steve? Because it doesn't. Really doesn't. All that internet fame should be coming my way, damn it. And for the record, I came up with this really funny and ironic idea long before anyone else did. Like way back on Saturday morning.

And finally, here's a rare 3-D glimpse of a Starbucks on Mars from Ian...

I guess it sort of loses its oomph if you're without 3-D glasses. Like me.

I'm still taking submissions, so if you think you have what it takes to make a really funny and ironic Photoshopped picture of a Starbucks on Mars, then go for it and send it in to me.

This post is dedicated to canola oil.