Another week, another Utter Wonder Hall of Fame induction. The UWHOF cannot be stopped; you can only hope to contain it. At this rate I will easily make my goal of 20 inductions by Arbor Day. That's awesome. Typically, I'm not one that reaches my goals. I don't know what it is; either the goals I set for myself are too high, or they're not challenging enough to keep my interest. I'm not one for challenging or boring things. I think that's why I like doughnuts so much.

Today's induction is especially special for it's not one, but two inductions. And not only that, but both of our inductees live over seas, as well. That makes them the first-ever Non-North American residents to be enshrined. Brad Johnson and his girlfriend Katrien Zoons live in Scotland. Brad is originally from the States but he's studying in Glasgow. I don't know what Katrien's deal is. My guess is that she's a local who Brad charmed over with his mad American flirt skillz. That's my fantasy anyway. I've always dreamed of garnering the fancy of a European woman. European women dig American guys. I saw Eurotrip so I know this for a fact. I'm married now of course, but back in my wild and crazy single days I longed to go to Europe and score me up some European tail. Sorry that's crude. No place for that during an UWHOF induction. My bad. I wonder if Brad has taken on a faux Scottish accent after having lived there for a while. I can't tell you how much that annoys me. This girl I knew from college went to England for a summer and came back talking all Britishy. It was "car-park this" and "car-park that" all the frickin' time with her. Drove me mad crazy.

Well, faux accent or no faux accent, Brad and his possibly Scottish lass Katrien are fine candidates for the UWHOF. So before we officially enshrine them, let's do like we always do during an induction and stare at the inductees' photo for a duration no shorter than five seconds. I'll count for us. Begin!

One-homophobic president...

Two-homophobic president...

Three-homophobic president...

Four-homophobic president...

Five-homophobic president...

There. Good. So, what do you think of Brad and Katrien's photo? It reminds me of every European art film I've ever seen. They look like they're stuck in some Wim Wenders flick, circa 1982. All that's missing are cigarettes and a depressing ending. Brad and Katrien appear to be on a train. How European of them! I was in Europe a couple of years ago and I loved traveling by train. It made me feel so European. Not European enough that it made me come back home with a faux European accent, but European nonetheless. Anyway, you can really feel the love they have for one another, can't you? Something about the way Brad is snarling says "You're my little cupcake, Katrien." And Katrien's stoic gaze out the window oozes love, delight, and emotional connection. The graffiti on their seat adds a certain gritty and urban charm, as well. It's hard to make out what it says. I wonder whose tag it is? Wait; does it say "Tea"? I think it does. What kind of gritty, urban tag is that? "Tea"? I don't get it. Maybe it's a witty European euphemism, or some kind of crazy radical European political statement. Still, though, tea is tea, right? I'm not really a fan of the stuff. Hot liquids in general turn me off. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I find them too challenging and exciting.

Regardless of the lame graffiti tag they are misfortunate enough to be sitting on, I hereby officially induct Brad Johnson and Katrien Zoons into Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame. For their bravery and courage and intestinal fortitude their names will not only forever appear on the UWHOF's list on inductees, but they also received a signed copy of a fan letter I wrote Star Jones. This too can all be yours, fair reader. All you have to do is send me an actual photo of yourself suitable for posting on Utter Wonder and you'll be on your way to internet celebrity fame and fortune. Plus, the next person who applies has a chance to be the UWHOF's 20th inductee. Way before Arbor Day, no less. How frickin' cool would that be?

Pretty frickin' cool.

This post is dedicated to dividing, not uniting.