I think I know where all the "Joementum" has gone since Joe Lieberman bowed out of the Presidential race: it's gone to Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame. That's right, today we have yet another brave and courageous and chock full of intestinal fortitude person who has sacrificed their online anonymity by allowing me to post a picture of him for all the blogosphere to view.

Today's brave and courageous and intestinal fortitudinal inductee is one Dan "Ognatius" O'Brien. I'm not sure what exactly the "Ognatius" is about. He tells me it's a nickname he made up for himself. He wants to add a little spice to his induction, I guess. I'm typically not too keen on nicknames made up by the person themselves, but given Dan "Ognatius" O’Brien's bravery and courage and intestinal fortitude I decided to let it go and enshrine him along with his nickname.

I myself have had many nicknames throughout the years. While none really stuck in such away that they've supplanted my actual name, I still hold each and every one of them dear to my heart. Except for "Stupid idiot," of course. Don't really care for that one. Not convinced anybody would care to have a nickname like that, actually. Not sure why the bag boy at the grocery store calls me "Stupid idiot" in the first place. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he is retarded. Don't get me wrong: I'm all for giving jobs to the retarded, and I'm happy to have them bag my Groovy Grahams and Diet Fresca, but I wish my retarded bag boy would stop giving me such a lame and mean nickname. I mean, there really is nothing about me that suggests that I am a "Stupid Idiot," right?

Right?

No, of course not; I'm as smart and clever as anybody.

Right?

Perhaps the retarded bag boy has Tourette's? That might be it. Why I'm sure he's called other customers even worse nicknames. I should consider myself lucky being deemed simply a "Stupid idiot." Yet there's something about the way he uses my nickname every time he prepares to bag my groceries. He looks me dead in the eye and in his monotone-I-will-eat-you-alive type way he calls me a "Stupid idiot." It's almost like he's been looking forward to calling me that all day. Like it's what makes work fun for him.

I suppose I could complain to the manager about him, but I think it's hard to look good complaining about a retarded person. I don't want to risk seeming cold and insensitive, so I take the punishment in stride. When he calls me a "Stupid idiot" I just chuckle and wave at him, like we're old friends. Yep, the retarded bag-boy and I are nothing but two wild and crazy pals.

I'm thinking of switching to a different grocery store.

Anyway, now's the time during the induction when we stare at the inductee's photo for a duration no shorter than five seconds. Begin!

One-Al Reynolds...

Two-Al Reynolds...

Three-Al Reynolds...

Four-Al Reynolds...

Five-Al Reynolds...

There. Well done. So, any first impressions of Dan "Ognatius" O’Brien's photo? Can't help but notice the dog. This is the second inductee photo to feature an animal of some sort. Cathy Hannan's inductee photo is teeming with wildlife. Dead and stuffed wildlife, but wildlife nonetheless. I guess that makes this the first inductee photo to feature living wildlife, then. Living in the photo, anyway. Dan tells me that the dog died last fall. I find it poignant that he wants to be inducted along with his family's beloved pet. However, I don't induct animals. I'll let him pose with the dog, but the dog's name isn’t going up on the UWHOF member's list. It's just not the style of the UWHOF. Bob Barker be damned.

As for Dan "Ognatius" O’Brien himself, he has a certain Sebastian Cabot type-thing working, no? Man, did I love "Family Affair." Loved it. When I was a wee C I wanted to grow up and have arms like Brian Keith. He had these big loving arms. He was always using them to hug Buffy and Jody. Man, did I feel that love. Anyway, mad props to Dan "Ognatius" O’Brien for sporting a little Mr. French flava. I'm proud and honored he's applied to be in the UWHOF.

So it's with great pleasure that I officially induct Dan "Ognatius" O'Brien into Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame. For his bravery and courage and intestinal bippity -bop, Dan "Ognatius" O'Brien has received a signed copy of a fan letter I wrote Star Jones. That and internet celebrity can all be yours too, dear reader, if you send me an actual photo of yourself suitable for posting on Utter Wonder. Come on, what you waiting for? Let the "Joementum" engulf you and send, send, send!

This post is dedicated to marrying somebody after dating them for only four months.