So apparently Atrios, the king of all lefty-bloggers, got a free TiVo from one of his readers. Wow. A TiVo. Talk about having a loyal and loving following! Man.

It's not like I'm jealous or anything. I have a TiVo already. It's just that, well, when am I going to get something from one of my loyal and loving followers?

It's not like I'm begging or anything. No, begging is beneath me. Plus it would ruin my new pants. I didn't get into this blog business to get free stuff from random strangers, anyway. In fact, I didn't even know that was one of the perks.

But I've been running this site for nearly a year and a half now, and I haven't gotten diddly from you guys. Sure, I've received many compliments and glad tidings. I've also gotten lots links from other bloggers, which have enabled Utter Wonder to be one of the most powerful fair-to-middling blogs in all the blogosphere.

But where's my stuff? Where's my high-def TV? Where's my Segway Scooter? Where's my XBOX?

Now I know Atrios is a much more popular and powerful blogger than I am. I am man enough to admit that. While I don't condone his constant use of sweater vests, I still bow to him and by no means believe that I'm on the same blogging level as he is.

So maybe expecting a high-def TV or a Segway Scooter is a bit unrealistic. If a blogger as popular and powerful as Atrios got a TiVo, I should probably aim a little lower. But just how low?

To find out, I looked at the stats of various blogs. I used the Ecosystem rankings to help me. Taking into account Atrios' TiVo gift, I developed a complex mathematical algorithm to figure out what type of gift a blogger should receive from their readers based on their Ecosystem ranking. Take a look at my findings.

BLOG: Atrios; ECOSYTEM RANKING: 3 = TiVo.

BLOG: Dave Barry; ECOSYSTEM RANKING: 31 = Apple iPod.

BLOG: TMF, TML; ECOSYSTEM RANKING: 77 = 13" inch Color Television (CRT, not plasma).

BLOG: Tony Pierce; ECOSYSTEM RANKING: 135 = Four-slice toaster.

BLOG: Gnome-Girl; ECOSYSTEM RANKING: 190 = Two-slice toaster.

BLOG: Sgt. Hook; ECOSYSTEM RANKING: 252 = Dustbuster.

BLOG: Blah3; ECOSYSTEM RANKING: 365 = Embroidered duffle bad from Lands End.

BLOG: Infinite Monkeys; ECOSYSTEM RANKING: 599 = Case of Old Milwaukee.

BLOG: The Short Strange Trip; ECOSYSTEM RANKING: 856 = Meat thermometer.

BLOG: Utter Wonder; ECOSYSTEM RANKING: 1092 = One 75-watt light bulb.

So there you have it. The complex mathematical algorithm speaks for itself. I deserve a 75-watt light bulb. So whose gonna step up and buy me one? Hop to it. I'm waiting. I could really use a 75-watt light bulb, actually. I have a lamp in my study that's light bulb will go out any day now.

So if you'd like to be loyal and loving email me and we can make arrangements for you to buy me a 75-watt light bulb. Either purchase one yourself and ship it to me, or simply send me a check that covers the cost (plus tax). And I don't want a run of the mill, generic 75-watt light bulb. Make sure it's a GE. One of those new-fangled "Reveal" light bulbs would be sweet. Any rate, don't be chintzy. Thanks.

Have a nice weekend. Since St. Patrick's Day falls on a Wednesday next week, I'm gonna go ahead and observe it on Monday, thereby giving me a three-day weekend. I know that might be pushing it a bit, but whatever. Please don't let this factor into your decision of whether to buy me a 75-watt light bulb or not. See you on Tuesday.

This post is dedicated to March sanity.