So I return from my self-made three-day weekend with some good news and some bad news. The good news is that my Google PageRank has jumped back up to a 6 out of 10. The bad news is that when you blink you'll find that it has returned to a 5 out of 10. Basically my Google PageRank has fluctuated back and forth from a 5 to a 6 for the past few days. I don't know what to make of it, and it's messing with my blog ego something fierce.

Ah yes, my blog ego, my terribly fragile and ever-looking-to-find-its-happy-place-blog ego. I hate it. Wish I didn't have one; it would make my life so much easier. I wouldn't constantly scan my site's hit count, or check to see if someone has left a comment, or how people have rated a particular entry. No, instead I'd be much more productive with my time and do stuff like read a book, play with my sons, or watch all the recorded reality TV shows on my TiVo.

It's pathetic how much my blog ego controls my day to day life. When I first discovered that my PageRank had turned to a 6 out of 10 I wept with all the joyous pride of somebody who had just won an election or beauty pageant. Actually, more like someone who had just won a beauty pageant. I love beauty pageants. Have always wanted to be in one. I wouldn't win, but I'd finish in the top tier. Mainly because I'm a guy and I don't think a guy has ever won a beauty pageant before, that is a beauty pageant for women. I mean, I'm beautiful, but I don't think I'm beautiful enough to win an all-women beauty pageant. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't write myself off so quickly. I know I'd win the talent portion of the competition easily. After five seconds of seeing me perform my erotic poetry/interpretive dance routine and the judges would be giving me a standing ovation. Judith Light would be all over me. You know, from Who's the Boss and One Life to Live. She'd be one of the judges. Yep, Judith would be all over me, asking me out and stuff. And I'd be like, "Judy, easy baby, I'm a married man." That's how it goes in my fantasy anyway. So who knows, perhaps I could win it after all.

Wow. It's sort of exciting to think about the possibility.

But even winning a prestigious beauty pageant wouldn't do much for my Google PageRank. Thus my blog ego would still be wounded. Why can't I hold steady at 6 out of 10? What am I doing wrong? Why must the Google PageRank God tease me so? What does the Google PageRank Good look like, anyway? Is he a masculine Jesus type, like depicted in all sorts of new post The Passion of the Christ issued Jesus portraits? I hope not. There's no way in hell I'd be able to beat a hott masculine Jesus-looking Google PageRank God in a beauty pageant. I'm sure that's just what the mean Google PageRank God would do, too. He'd sign up for a beauty pageant just because I did so he could beat me. And no, I don't know if the Google PageRank God is a "he" or not, but come on, cut me some slack: this is not a time to get all PC on me! My Google PageRank is fluctuating something wicked and my blog ego is in shambles!

I guess if I had to choose between a steady 5 out of 10 PageRank and a flutuating between 5 and 6 out of 10 PageRank I'd choose the latter. So things could be worse.

Oh who am I kidding? It's a fricking nightmare.

This post is dedicated to Nicole Richie and Justin Guarini.