Let me start off by saying to all my friends that alerted me to the new wedding website of Star Jones and her lazy-eyed afflicted fiancé Al Reynolds' that I am okay. I really am. I'm fine about it. No really. I'm good. Honest. Happy as a clam. Yes, indeedy. A fucking clam.

I'm actually not the least bit surprised by their new website. I believe that it is more than appropriate for an entertainer of the caliber of Star Jones to have a public place where people can learn and revel in her upcoming nuptials. And the site itself is beautiful: it's full of flowers and poetry and romantic photographs of Star and her new "man". I mean, who cares if most of the photographs have clearly been altered to correct Al's lazy eye? This is a website about them, for them, and about them celebrating them so they should feel free to distort their reality however they please.

Everyone knows about Al's lazy eye anyway. It's no secret. If we wanted to talk about secrets we could mention the fact that many believe Al is suiting up for the other team. But to bring that up is pointless also because this autumn Star and Al are to be married as "man" and wife whether we like it or not. And despite their probable sexless marriage of convenience I'm sure they'll be very happy. I look forward to hearing Star tell wonderful stories about their "union" on her hit talk show The View.

There are many nice touches throughout the entire website. I find the site's slogan "Blending two souls and hearts into one" lovely and enchanting. While one can't help but notice that the original slogan of "Blending two souls and five milkshakes into one" was omitted, the new version still works. The scriptures and quotes they chose are deeply moving, too. Despite numerous typos, the message comes through: Star and Al are living, thriving chosen people touched by the mighty hand of God. That's sort of obvious, as it is clear that no couple in the history of daytime television has ever been more blessed than Star and Al. But I don't think it out of line for them to hammer this point down over and over and over and over and over again.

So let me be clear: I am happy for Star and her lazy-eyed fiancé. If you don't believe me you can see for yourself, as I left the "happy" couple my warmest regards in their site's guestbook. Since a countless number of other people have left their regards, I'll save you time searching through the guestbook (although it's kind of entertaining reading all the comments) by posting what I wrote to them here:

My warmest regards to the both of you. God certainly couldn't have chosen two finer people to bring together. You have always been an inspiration for me, Star, and it's wonderful to see you so happy and full of love. I don’t know much about you, Al, other than your brother used to be a linebacker for the Patriots. (I'm a Dolphins fan.) Regardless, treat Star like the fine woman she is. I have practically no doubt whatsoever that you will. May your life together be full of love and hope and happiness; may other people less fortunate than yourselves seek wisdom and comfort from your glorious union; and may your marriage be a beacon of beauty that forever shines brightly down on the rest of us.

I also took the delightful quiz featured on their website. Not that anybody is keeping score, but I aced the mutha'. Yes, even though #11 is a trick question (the actual correct answer "Eatin' good in the neighborhood" is missing) I scored a perfect 12 out of 12. Yay me.

And while I realize they are planning a small, private ceremony and I probably won't make the cut as an invited guest, it's good to know that I can still experience all the joy and happiness of their big day in front of my computer in the comfort of my home. Naked and drunk.

Okay, alright, yes, maybe I'm a little bitter. I'm "man" enough to admit it. I've been sending Star Jones daily fan letters for close to four years now. Sure there were a few days when I stopped and sent fan letters to Campbell Brown instead, but I have acknowledged what a big mistake that was. You'd think Star would have forgiven me by now. I mean, I AM HER MOST PROLIFIC AND BETTER THAN AVERAGE DRESSED FAN. Plus I have a blog with ITS OWN HALL OF FAME. Those things must count for something, no?

Who knows? Maybe I will be invited to their wedding. From the best of my knowledge invitations haven't gone out yet. Still, when I registered at starandal.com I was unable to access the private pages specifically assigned for wedding guests. So because I'm willing to do all I can to be invited, or at the very least get a ticket to a taping of The View, I call on all Utter Wonder readers to help me out by leaving a message on Star and Al's guestbook wishing them well and urging them to include me as a wedding guest. Now be nice when you write them. No swearing or blasphemy, please. That will get us nowhere. Just tell them how awesome they are and then slip in something about me, my devotion to Star and how I already have a suit and tie on lay away from the Men's Warehouse to specifically wear to their wedding. Throw in something about God or Jesus or something, too. That should insure your comment from not getting the axe by Star's Al's web page system administrator. Thanks.

Now go get writing: Star and Al's wedding page guestbook.
(If you're particularly proud of your message send it to me and I'll post it on here as well.)

This post is dedicated to the photographs and personal information on their website may not be downloaded or otherwise copied without the prior written permission of Star Jones or Al Reynolds.