Hi there. Before you read today's haunting and powerful post please check out a new list of mine up on McSweeney's. GO ALIEN!

The Summer Olympics are underway. Athletes from all over the world have descended upon Athens, Greece in hopes of winning medals and doing their countries proud. I love the Summer Olympics and prefer it over the cold and dreary Winter Olympics. I hate being cold and dreary, so I don't really get off on watching people competing while cold and dreary.

But the Summer Olympics are always sunny and warm and full of fun. I'm a Track and Field fan myself, as I love to watch the sprinters sprint, the jumpers jump, and the shot putters, um, put. I tend to get sucked into rooting for the United States, if only because I'm a sucker for up close and personal segments and my heartstrings get pulled easily.

I also root for Olympians who have cool names. It doesn't matter which country they come from: if they have a cool name, I'll root for them. I'm a big name guy. I love names. I think my favorite athlete's name of all-time is the former World's Strongest Man's name, Magnús Ver Magnússon. I can say his name over and over and over for hours on end. Yes, he's big and scary and Icelandic, but you have to admit that he's got one kick-ass name.

So for this Olympics I'm going to try my hardest not to be such a homer, and instead root for participants whose names I fancy best. With that said, here then are the names of athletes I'll be pulling for because they have awesome sounding names:

Gong Ruina, China, Badminton
Gaiderbek Gaiderbekov, Russia, Boxing
Maxim Opalev, Russia, Canoe
Oenone Wood, Australia, Cycling
Beezie Madden, USA, Equestrian
Svetlana Khorkina, Russia, Gymnastics
Vaclev Chalupa, Czech Republic, Rowing
Pieter van den Hoogenband, Netherlands, Swimming
Katy Sexton, Great Britain, Swimming
Usain Bolt, Jamaica, Track and Field
Ockert Cilliers, South Africa, Track and Field
Venelena Veneva, Bulgaria, Track and Field
Svetlana Feofanova, Russia, Track and Field
Tang Gonghong, China, Weightlifting
Kouramagomed Kouramagomedov, Russia, Wrestling
Volokymer Shats'kykh, Ukraine, Wrestling

As you can tell since you aren't laughing, those are actual names of actual competitors in this year's Olympics. Bet you thought I was going to make-up funny-sounding ones of my own and we'd all have a good laugh together laughing at how funny I am. But no, those are real names and I will be rooting for each and every one of them.

You'll notice many come from Eastern Europe, particularly Russia. Don't know what to make of that, except that I am a big fan (as my love of Magnús Ver Magnússon attests) of having a first name that's similar to your last name. It's impossible for a name like that to not have a ring to it. Try it with any name and you'll find that it works. I mean, "Christopher Christophedov" is, like, some kiind of genius poetry. "Monks van den Monks" isn't bad either. Based on the names I selected it's clear that I am also partial to the name "Svetlana". It's exotic sounding and full of intrigue, especially when combined with "Khorkina" to create the all-time best female gymnast's name, "Svetlana Khorkina". Saying that name is almost like having sex.

Svetlana Khorkina, Svetlana Khorkina, Svetlana Khorkina, Svetlana Khorkina, Svetlana Khorkina, Svetlana Khorkina, Svetlana Khorkina, Svetlana Khorkina, Svetlana Khorkina, Svetlana Khorkina, Svetlana Khorkina, Svetlana Khorkina...

Wow. That was good.

Alrighty, enjoy the Olympics. When I can I'll give the results of each of the 16 athletes I've chosen for my 16 names of glory. Have a nice weekend.

This post is dedicated to those wacky Russian scientists and their crazy "discovery".