Busted out my new leaf hog yesterday. Kicked the shit out of the leaves in my yard. They didn't know what was coming. At first they just sort of scurried around and tried to get away, but in time they learned there was no escape. God fuckin' damn, it was awesome. My leaf hog kicked the fuckin' shit out of those little bitch leaves. I am a powerful man.

My neighbors were really impressed with me and my leaf hog, too. They all huddled around my yard and looked on as I ripped all those little bitch leaves a new one. One neighbor complained about how loud my leaf hog was, so I blew a big ole wad of bitch leaves onto his driveway. That taught him not to mess with a man and his leaf hog. And I don't care if he calls the police on me next time; the police are powerful men who understand the omnipotence of the leaf hog. Think they're gonna listen to my lame-ass rake-using neighbor? No fuckin' way.

I also tried using the new attachment that's supposed to help me suck the little bitch leaves directly into a garbage can. Didn't have much success with that. The directions were hard to read and I couldn't get the little bitch cover over the garbage can. Fuckin' sucked. Every time I thought I had it tightened it would loosen and fall off the garbage can. Little shredded bitch leaves went everywhere. My neighbors laughed at me. I shouted that I meant that to fuckin' happen. I don't give a damn if they didn't believe me. Rake-using chumps. Think I'm gonna lend them my leaf hog now? Ha. No fuckin' way.

I just hope I can figure out how to get the attachment to work because it cost a lot of money and it's a drag having to keep removing the little portable bag that comes with the leaf hog. Kept on having to take the bag off and empty it. Messed up my style something fierce. I kept getting these little shredded bitch leaves all over my fingers and face. It was fuckin' yucky. I hate having little bitch leaves all up in my grill and whatnot.

But still, my leaf hog is fuckin' awesome. Yeah, boy! And for a good hour my yard was completely void of bitch leaves. Then, of course, the motherfuckin' trees had to go dump more bitch leaves on my yard and shit. Hell if I'm going out there again today, though. I got a new all-purpose blender yesterday and I'm gonna knock the shit out of some batter and make some cupcakes. They're gonna be the best god damn cupcakes ever. I am the fuckin' man!

This post is dedicated to Mark Bellhorn.