We're halfway through my birthweek and I have still yet to receive a gift from any of you. What gives? I mean, okay, yes, I didn't announce that it was my birthweek or anything, but still, you all should be on top of it. My birthweek should be a national holi-week in your, um, mind. And whatnot.

But I guess if you need a reminder then hey, you: it's my birthweek. My birthweek started on Sunday and will end Saturday at midnight. The actual day is Friday, but birthdays are for sissies and non-coalition of the willing-types. I deserve a whole week. I'm a blogger for chrissakes!

Haven't even received a card. Not really a fan of cards, especially when they aren't accompanied by a gift, but still, I'd take a card over no card at all. So what's your excuse, anyway? Cards are cheap. You can get them pretty much anywhere. And if you're artistic or chintzy you could simply make a card. I'd probably laugh at it, but at least you would have made an effort. You know, "thought that counts" and all.

And thus far none of your thoughts count because obviously you haven't been thinking about me and my birthweek. Unless, of course, you're planning on some sort of surprise. You know, making like you forgot and stringing me along until WHAMO! a naked woman pops out of a cake or something.

That reminds me: I'm not really into naked women popping out of cakes. That's overrated. Naked women are all right, cake is too, but naked women and cake just don't do it for me. So much frosting gets wasted. By the time the woman has popped out of the cake and washed off there's hardly any frosting left at all. I love frosting.

So if it's not too late, cancel the naked woman popping out of a cake. Think of something else that would be just as surprising, but less frosting-sacrificing. Like how about buying me one of those new HP iPods? That would be very surprising. Buying me 14 would be really surpriding. And since no frosting is involved, there wouldn't be any frosting lost.

Good. That's settled. I expect the HP iPod by Saturday at the latest: I want to download some Danzig and listen to it while using my leaf hog this weekend. I hog leaves best while listening to Danzig. Not sure what it is. Just gets me pumped. I also like to look at myself in the mirror without a shirt on before hitting the yard, too.

Alrighty, enough time has been wasted: go get shopping.

This post is dedicated to Pedro Martinez.