Thank goodness for the UWHOF. Without it I'd have nothing to distract me from the torture of the Red Sox/Yankees series. It's gotten so bad I've begun to question my own bravery and courage and intestinal fortitude. My body goes into mini-convulsions every time Gary Sheffield steps up to the plate. It's not fun. Especially when I'm eating pudding.

Thankfully, another person has come forward and applied for Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame, and I can take a brief respite from Red Sox hell. As the Hall continues to grow I find it to be a great cavern of warmth and security. When I think about all the brave and courageous and intestinal fortitudinal people who it houses I can't help but get all mushy inside. All those people love and respect me, and even though the majority of them have stopped leaving glowing comments on my blog, this still makes me feel real powerful and consequential.

The newest person that loves and respects me is Steven Seighman. Steven continues the string of literary types who have recently applied to the Hall. He is a writer, an editor, a web designer for kick-ass political causes, and he has by far the largest set of hands of any of the other UWHOF inductees. Okay, yes, I made up the part about his hands, but one can still dream, can't he? Maybe Steven doesn't have the largest hands in the entire UWHOF. I don't know for sure since I've never seen his hands, but don't get all huffy just because I presumed a truth about Steven and his hands. Besides, if we found out that he does in fact have the largest hands in the Hall you'd feel pretty silly then, wouldn't you? So why risk feeling silly and just let me have my dream of Steven having the largest hands in the whole entire world. And no, it's not like I have some sort of hand fetish. Hands are great, sure. But I don't get all hot and bothered over them. Unless their My Lady's, of course. Or Katie Holmes's. Anyway, I'm pleased to welcome Steven and his enormous hands to Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame.

Now let's do like we always do for an induction and stare at our inductee's photo for a period of time no shorter than five seconds.

One Handy-hand-hand-hand...

Two Handy-hand-hand-hand...

Three Handy-hand-hand-hand...

Four Handy-hand-hand-hand...

Five Handy-hand-hand-hand...

Well done! So what do you think of Steven's photo? I think it's easily the most arty and sophisticated photograph ever to adorn the UWHOF. Steven looks so literary and sure-handed. The photo was taken by Sean Carman, another noteworthy literary figure who for some unexplained reason has yet to apply to the Hall. Regardless, the black and white pic he took of Steven is very high-end. I really like black and white photographs. They conjure up an older time when things were much simpler and less complicated and not as difficult. Sometimes I take out my old family photo albums and look at the black and white photographs of the many relatives of mine that are long dead. I find it comforting to see their kind, stoic faces and to realize that I am way better-looking than them. I mean, way better looking than them. Why were people so ugly way back in the olden days? Thank god we as a species have turned a corner in the beauty department, because if I looked like some of my great-great-great uncles I'd lock my self in my basement and call it a life.

With that said, I hereby officially induct Steven Seighman into Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame. For his bravery and courage and intestinal fortit-ta-ta Steven has received a signed copy of a fan letter I wrote Star Jones. These letters are one of a kind. At least the signed part of them is. So, like, treasure them. And if you want one of your own, all you have to do send me an actual photograph of yourself and you too can adorn your mantle or fridge with a letter. I'm still hoping to meet my goal of 35 inductees by Veteran's Day, so throw me a fricking bone, why don't you. Thanks.