Yep, it's already been a week since my birthday. My how time flies. Just seven days ago I turned 35, and in that stretch of time so many fascinating and demoralizing things have happened. But I write today not about what has happened, but about what hasn't happened: you buying me my birthday iPod.

I know this will undoubtedly come off as self-serving and egotistical, and I realize that I should probably just shut-up and let your lame-ass-non-gift-giving go. Yes, a whole seven of you took time out of your busy cubicle-trapped lives last week to leave me birthday wishes--and I thank you for it. But still, your birthday wishes only get me so far. For instance, I can't download Danzig songs off the Internet and put them on your birthday wishes. I also can't walk down the street with your birthday wishes strapped to my stylish jeans and show them off to all my jealous-and-not-nearly-as-cool-and-cutting-edge-as-me neighbors. Basically, there's nothing particularly special about your birthday wishes. I know that sounds rude, but it's the truth: in the long run your birthday wishes don't do diddly for me.

And I'm all about the long run. For 35 years and one week I've been all about the long run. Why stop now? And since the run is long why shouldn't I have something to help me break up the time a little bit? Like a 60GB HP iPod (I'd even settle for the 40GB one), so I can listen to Danzig songs and recorded episodes of Fresh Air hosted by the divine Terry Gross. Long runs are hard, people. Just try it if you don't believe me. Make sure to stretch beforehand, though. Wouldn't want to pull a hammy or something.

You see? That was a nice piece of advice I just gave you. Not everyone would offer that kind of advice, especially after you've giving them a big fat box of nothing for their birthday. That's what makes me different and special and worthy of an expensive gift that will allow me to listen to Danzig while doing yard work. I mean, come on, hasn't the election taught you anything? Either your with me or against me. It's that simple. So join my coalition of the giving and buy me an iPod. Or a Playstation 2. Or a designer ascot. I'll take anything as long as it's expensive and fun.

When you think about it, I'm really not asking that much. I've been alive for 35 years now and most of you reading have never gotten me a thing. Ever. It's about time you get me something. Sure, an iPod is pricey, but if you do the math it works out to only about $17.11 for every year of my life that you failed to buy me a gift. That's actually a pretty good bargain. I could have upped it to $17.99 year, but I didn't because I care about you as a consumer. I know we all have to keep a budget. Especially now that our kids are going to be working like mules to payoff that enormous deficit.

So, okay. I'll give you the weekend to mull it over. But know that I expect a surprise in my mailbox sometime next week. And it better not be just a card with more of your well-wishes in it. If I had a dime for every card I've received with nothing but well-wishes in them I'd have enough money to buy an iPod. It's terribly frustrating. So for gods sakes open your wallet for a brother and go get shopping!

This post is dedicated to two dedications to Neal Pollack in one week.