As every fair-to-middling wannabe novelist is aware, November is National Novel Writing Month. People all over the world are trying to write a 50,000 word novel in the span of just 30 days. It's a daunting task, especially if you suck at writing, but it's inspiring nonetheless because as nature documentaries have shown, there's nothing more compelling than witnessing a wildebeest being stalked by a pride of bloodthirsty lions.

I don't know what that means either, but what I do know is that I must honor NaNoWriMo by returning to the unfinished novel I started writing last year. You all remember my unfinished masterwork Innocuous Kielbasa: Putting the Sex-Type Thing On, Volume I, don't you? Of course you do. Silly of me to ask. Why asking only makes me seem weak and insecure. Ha. Everyone knows I'm neither of those things. Ha!...

Right?

Well, regardless of what you think, I'm going to continue writing my awesome novel anyway. So there! We'll see just who the weak and insecure one is now! Ha! Because it sure as hell isn't going to me! I think!

I highly recommend you go back and refresh your memory by reading the novel's first six installments before tackling this new section (Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI). However, I realize many of you can't be bothered to do that, so here's a brief little recap that should help you re-familiarize yourself with my masterwork in progress:

INNOCUOUS KIELBASA: PUTTING THE SEX-TYPE THING ON, VOLUME I.

WHERE
Count von Hasselhoffer's Castle in the town of Hasselhofferania BY-the-Sea.

WHEN
The Olden Days.

MAIN CHARACTERS
- Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily: A sexually active 70-year-old with a club foot and a thing for kielbasa.

- Count von Hasselhoffer: A young Count running for Registrar Probate of his hometown. Controls his family's Kielbasa empire. Regrets making a sex tape with Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily.

- Otto: Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily's chauffeur/underling. He's been stuck in the basement of Count von Hasselhoffer's castle eating strange tasting hot dogs for five days. He longs for Vietnamese food and the affection of Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily.

- Officer Shelton: Local Policeman who's been investigating Count von Hasselhoffer's kielbasa empire.

And now I give you Innocuous Kielbasa: Putting the Sex-Type Thing On, Volume I (Part VII)
by C Monks

Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea was a quiet land full of happy, thick-legged people. Although nowhere near the ocean, the town came upon its name because its founders hoped it would draw more tourism. Whether it did draw more tourism or not is not really important; what's important is that the name "Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea" never fit on the local high school Ultimate Frisbee team's jerseys. It was very demoralizing for the frisbee players because other teams would laugh at them and make out with their aunts after games.

"Ha-ha!" the mean players from the other teams would yell, "We totally just went to second base with all of your aunts!"

The players of Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea's Ultimate Frisbee team could offer no retort, for their spirits were already too broken. Plus they were being chased by their furious uncles who could not understand why their nephews and nieces would allow the other team to make out with their wives.

But that's just a little story about the history of the town and it really has nothing to do with the main story at hand. I just thought I'd share it with you because all good novels have little meaningless tidbits about where they take place and whatnot. I'm sure in time I will share another little tale about the town of Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea, but right now I can't think of one, so I will just move on with the rest of the story.

Here is where in the second draft I will find a good segue way to connect the meaningless story about the Ultimate Frisbee team with Officer Shelton discovering Otto in the basement of Count von Hasselhoffer's castle. Promise. But since this is still the first draft I will not worry about it. Too much.

"Sorry, I don't have any Vietnamese food," Officer Shelton told Otto.

"Really?" Otto asked forlornly.

"Yes, really," Officer Shelton said. He felt bad about it. It was like the first time ever that he didn't have any Vietnamese food when someone had asked him for Vietnamese food. He usually was pretty good about carrying around Vietnamese food with him. But for reasons unknown to him, today he was without the stuff.

"Damn it," Otto said.

"Sir, how long have you been stuck down here?" Officer Shelton asked.

"I don't know. What day is it today?"

"Monday."

"Monday?"

"Yes."

"Shoot," Otto said. "I needed to get some yard work done this weekend."

Sorry, sir," Officer Shelton said.

"I just got this new leaf blower. It's awesome."

"I see."

"It's called a Leaf Hog."

"Sweet! I've heard that kick ass."

"Yeah, I know. Been looking forward to using it ever since I bought it."

"Well, I'm really sorry about that, sir," Officer Shelton said. "Let's see what we can do about getting you out of here so you can kick the shit out of those leaves in your yard."

"Sounds good. But let me eat just a few more of these strange tasting hot dogs before we get out of here."

"Strange tasting hot dogs?"

"Yep. They're wicked awesome."

"Where did you find them?"

"In the fridge. Over there by the body bags."

"Body bags?" Officer Shelton said, pointing his flashlight towards the refrigerator. It was then that he knew that all his efforts in trying to bring down Count von Hasselhoffer would not be in vain. For before him and all around him and everywhere lay body bags, used body bags, or to be more exact body bags that looked like they had actual bodies in them, or something big and body-like in them, regardless Officer Shelton knew he had struck upon a key piece of evidence. All those years of hard work had finally paid off for him and he was so excited and proud that he wanted to scream his name out in the streets. But the streets were nowhere near where he was now, and he didn't want to freak Otto out, so he decided to internalize his screams and save the real screaming for later, after he got home and checked the mail and had a bite to eat because now that he thought about it he was pretty hungry and it's best not to do any street screaming on an empty stomach. That's what his cousin Terrell always told him, and he was a champion street screamer. Until he became a coffee barista, that is.

"Gee, there are quite a lot of those bags," Otto said. "In the dark it was hard to tell."

"Yes, there are," Officer Shelton said. "We'll need to confiscate them all for evidence."

"Ouch," Otto said. "That's a lot of heavy lifting."

"Tell me about it."

"Care for a strange tasting hot dog?"

Officer Shelton hesitated at first, but then his stomach spoke up and grumbled the mighty grumble of emptiness.

"Sure," he said, taking a strange tasting hot dog from Otto's hand and taking a bite. "Thanks."

"No problem," Otto said.

"Wow. These are strange-tasting," Officer Shelton said.

"You betcha."

"More! We want more!"

"Who said that?" Officer Shelton asked.

"Said what?" Otto asked back.

"More! We want more strange tasting hot dogs!"

"That--did you hear that?" Officer Shelton queried. "Voices asking for more strange tasting hot dogs."

"Nope. Sorry," Otto answered. "Maybe it was you clavicles."

"My clavicles?"

"Yeah. My clavicles talk to me all the time."

"They do?"

"Yep."

"Since when?"

"Since I've been down here in the basement."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Neat," Officer Shelton said. He'd always wanted a deeper relationship with his body parts. It always frustrated him that they couldn't express their thoughts with him. He knew deep down that his shins and his ulnas had a lot to share. Now there was a chance he could finally communicate with them. And although his clavicles always bored him, he would listen to whatever they had to say if that meant having an opportunity to hear from his shins and ulnas, as well.

"Neat," Officer Shelton said to himself again. "Very, very neat."

***

And so ends Part VII of Innocuous Kielbasa: Putting the Sex-Type Thing On, Volume I. I hope you were moved by its power as much as I was while writing it. May this masterwork inspire you to begin your own NaNoWriMo project, because lord knows we need more fair-to-middling writers practicing the craft of fair-to-middling novel writing.

This post is dedicated to Joyce Carol Oates.