I have never taken steroids and I wish people who say that I have would just leave me alone. Why they want to smear my name with lies is beyond me. Jealousy makes people do and say some awful things, I guess.

It's not my fault that I am the funniest and most clever fair-to-middling blogger in the blogosphere. It just comes natural to me. It's who I am. I can't turn my funny powers on and off as if they were a light switch. Even if I could I wouldn't because I like who I am and I really don't like it when the lights are off. I'm scared of the dark. Monsters.

And these so called "side effects" I have are simply lifestyle choices. They're not side effects from anything because I'm not injecting myself with anything. I'm choosing to have thinning hair and erratic sexual function. I'm not suffering. I want to have male patterned baldness and limited erections. And bouts of inexplicable rage. And severe back acne. I want these things. So go push your lies on somebody else!

And I find it kind of offensive that some would believe I'd need performance-enhancing drugs to write the funniest and most clever fair-to-middling blog in the blogosphere. I've built this fair-to-middling blog empire with my own sweat and blood. And Movable Type. And Kyle, the guy who designed my site. My point is I don't need steroids to do this. Perhaps my critics would need steroids to achieve a blog comparable to mine. Maybe that's their problem: they're so insecure about their own blogging skillz that they have to make up fibs about my blogging skillz.

Anyway, that's all I'm going to say about it. Shouldn't have really dignified their charges with a response, but these false accusations have been going on for a while now and I couldn't sit back any longer and watch my fair-to-middling blogger name be tarnished. I would like to thank my 4.72 fans for sticking with me through this tough time. And just because none of you have sent me gifts of support, like an HP iPod, I know you love and support me and think I am the best fair-to-middling blogger of all time. Thank you!

This post is dedicated to Miss Peru.