Officer Shelton danced upon the water top. His pretty feet floated just above the surface of the cool, blue lake and he was free. He was free from everything. He'd never felt so free in all his life. In fact, he never really knew what freedom was until then. He had thought freedom was being able to eat as many doughnuts as he wanted to without consequence or being able to order subscription pornography without his parents giving him a hard time about it, but he was wrong. Freedom was dancing upon the water top, bare-chested and free.

Birds sang all around him. He couldn't see the birds, but somewhere out there they tweeted their lovely tweets. Oh what blessed tweeting! Birds are so underrated, he thought. They can fly and tweet; not too many other animals can do that. Just the tweeting alone should win them points. But no, people got to go ahead and eat them. They got to go ahead and pluck their pretty feathers and roast them in hot ovens. For shame!

After making his way across the cool, blue lake, Officer Shelton came to a field covered in rainbows. All his life, he'd never seen a rainbow in person because he lived in a cold, gray world where people plucked pretty tweety birds and roasted them in hot ovens. "Oh my!" he exclaimed. Before him was rainbow after rainbow after rainbow after rainbow; it truly was a colorfully splendid sight!

Until the evil leprechaun showed up.

"Hi," the evil leprechaun said to Officer Shelton.

"Stand back!" Officer Shelton yelled, "I have a gun!"

"Whoa, easy there," the evil leprechaun replied.

"No, you be easy there!" Officer Shelton retorted, taking out his gun and aiming it at the evil little Irish man.

"What's your problem, man?"

"I'm not the problem! You're the problem!"

"Why me?"

"Because you're an evil leprechaun!"

"An evil leprechaun? No I'm not."

"Ha-ha! Nice try, evil leprechaun, but I see through tricky evil game!"

"Game? What game?"

"Your evil tricky game of deception!"

"Evil? Man, I'm not ev--Oh, wait a second. I think you may have partook in too much funny-tasting kielbasa."

"Stop trying to trick me!" Officer Shelton said, tightening his grip on his gun.

"No, no, man; it's cool," the evil leprechaun said. "Really, this happens quite a lot. Someone wanders down to Count von Hasselhoffer's basement and partakes in too much funny-tasting kielbasa and the next thing they know they're in a field of rainbows talking to me."

"Hmmm," Officer Shelton said, hmmming. He was still skeptical. Never had he met a leprechaun that wasn't evil. Sure, this was the first time he'd ever met a leprechaun, but Officer Shelton was prone to making gross generalizations. However, he had eaten funny-tasting kielbasa in Count von Hasselhoffer's basement, so that part of the story was true. How else would the evil leprechaun know this if it wasn't true? The evil leprechaun couldn't have guessed it. Boy, that would have been quite the guess. Officer Shelton briefly imagined taking the evil leprechaun to the dog track and having him place bets for him. He'd make a fortune. People would stare at them because he was forcing an evil leprechaun at gunpoint to place bets for him, but still, he'd make a fortune.

"So you're saying you're not an evil leprechaun then?" Officer Shelton said, lowering his gun.

"Nope, not at all," the not evil leprechaun said. "I'm not even a leprechaun. I'm Ugandan. My name is Morris."

(I think it's important to note that I've just introduced the first character of color into my masterwork. I always make sure to incorporate diversity into my stories, as I believe that even though I am a white person I can write about characters that are not. And in the case of Morris, the tiny Ugandan who is not an evil leprechaun, he represents a first for me: a character who is not only of color, but who is physically challenged as well, for he is a very, very tiny man. I've never been to Uganda, nor have I ever met a very, very, tiny man (not that I've noticed anyway as they can be hard to see), but still I will write about a very, very tiny man from Uganda because I am committed to diversity and to challenging myself to invent fascinating characters far removed from my culture of tall whiteness.)

"Oh, I just thought that since you were little and in a field of rainbows that you were a leprechaun," Officer Shelton said.

"I know, happens all the time," Morris said. "No biggie."

"How'd you wind up here, anyway?"

"Oh, it's a long story."

"Let's hear it."

"Well, I was brought over during the slave trade."

"You were a slave?"

"Yes. Well, no. I wasn't a slave when I was living my happy, tiny life in Uganda. But then the slave traders came and the captured me and put me on a boat bound for Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea."

"Oh, that must have been awful!" Officer Shelton exclaimed. "Although I am prone to making gross generalizations I have always felt bad about my people's history of enslaving people."

"Thanks for that," Morris said.

"You're welcome."

"Anyway, I was young and naive and didn't quite realize what I was getting into. I tried to stay optimistic. I knew I'd miss my family, but I always had heard nice things about Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea, so I tried to make the best of it. I hoped perhaps I would work for a family who lived on the beach, maybe in a little vacation bungalow or something."

"But Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea isn't near the ocean."

"Well, I know that now."

"The town fathers decided to change then name in order to encourage more tourism..."

"Yes, yes, I know, I know."

"So they named it "Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea."

"Listen, man, you're telling me something I already know."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Don't sweat it," Morris said. "So when I finally arrived (the boat ride sucked) I soon discovered the pickle I was in. I mean, they wanted me to do hard labor with very little reward in return. I had to live in dirty quarters and had no time to do the things I love, like play with my homemade African Yo-Yo or read US News and World Report."

"You people read Us News and World Report?" Officer Shelton asked, surprised.

"Yep, of course," Morris answered.

"How 'bout that!"

"Anyway, my master was a really mean guy. He made me wear tattered clothing and sing spirituals in the woods."

"God, that sounds awful."

"It was. Plus I'm not much of a singer."

"You aren't? But I thought all of your kind were good singers."

"Common misconception. Many of us are not good singers. At least, I'm not."

"Wow. Thanks for teaching me all those new things about your race!"

"You're welcome."

"Tell me more about your enslavement," Officer Shelton asked.

"Well, there's not that much to tell," Morris replied.

"Oh, sure there is. Like how did you escape?"

"Escape?"

"Yeah, how did you free yourself. Did the tweety birds help you?"

"I haven't escaped. I'm still a slave. My master has me working here collecting the secret spice for his funny-tasting kielbasa from the ends of all these rainbows."

"Oh snap!" Officer Shelton exclaimed.

"Snap?" Morris asked, perplexed.

"Count von Hasselhoffer has enslaved you to collect his funny-tasting spice for his funny-tasting kielbasa!"

"Yep. It's a life."

"But I must show you the way to freedom! I must bring Count von Hasselhoffer to justice and help you become free! You must know the sweet joy it feels to feel free! It was only until I danced upon the water top of the cool, blue lake that I truly knew what freedom was! You must experience it with me! Let me help you escape! I have a gun!"

"But I'm not real."

"Say what!?!"

Finis de Part X.

This post is dedicated to the sniffles.