On his daughter, Jessica Simpson:
"Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!"
On his other daughter, Ashlee Simpson:
"Girl has got an ass like I've never seen. Her ass makes J-Lo's ass look like some second-hand tchotchke you'd find at a church yard sale. Ashlee only wears all that baggy clothing because her ass is so powerful that it would cause war to breakout if people saw just how impressive her junk is. That booty is booming!"
On his cousin, Dorothy Simpson:
"Whoa, Nelly! Dorothy is a fox! She's so sexy it hurts. She'd look good in a brown paper bag. In fact when she visits I make her wear a brown paper bag. The look just works for her. Plus it's easier to see her hips that way. They're spectacular!"
On his Great-Aunt, Ethel Simpson:
"She is an oldie but goody. Her thighs make me melt every time I see them. That's why I always get her short-shorts for Xmas. Makes me harder than a doorknob. There's no denying that pound for pound my Great-Aunt Ethel is the hottest 79-year-old amputee on the planet!"
On his wife, Tina Simpson:
"She's all right."
This post is dedicated to condiments.
