We got our Christmas tree this weekend. It's the fucking bomb. Best tree on our block. By far. Puts all the other little bitch trees our neighbors have to shame. For reals!

We loaded our tree up with lights and ornaments and fuck, yeah -- that shit is tight! We got white lights and colored lights and blinking lights up in there, and all kinds of kick-ass ornaments, too. We got big fancy glass ornaments and some old antique family heirloom type ones also. We even have some that I made when I was a kid. I made some kick-ass ornaments when I was a kid. A few of them were broken and that bummed me out for a bit, but after a good cry I rallied and worked our tree out! It looks crazy nice!

All my neighbors are mad jealous. They're playing like they're not, but I know better. They pop in every once in a while and say stuff like "Nice tree" or "That's a lot of ornaments" but I know deep down they're mad jealous of me and my kick-ass Christmas tree. Truth is they want to be me. They want to have my life and my kick-ass tree and my leaf hog, but they can't because they're not worthy of being me. I'm the only I know who has what it takes to be me. I'm fierce! Plus my clothes wouldn't fit them. I'm enormous. It's not like I'm fat or anything. No, far from it. It's just that I am a big man, bigger than most, and my clothes wouldn't fit them. I'm not fat. Really!

So hope all you all go out and get yourselves your own kick-ass trees, just don't try to compete with mine. It kicks ass like no other tree can or ever will kick ass. It's a supreme ass-kicker, my tree is. So stop hatin' on me for it, suckas, and get on with your life.

Merry Christmas, fools!

This post is dedicated to Vanessa Bryant.