Hi. You know I love a pageant as much as the next old and faded and stained pair of swim trunks does, but you think maybe next year I could predict something else? I'll take doing this over nothing, but it would be nice to prognosticate on a different event. Like, say, the Adult Video Awards. That would be cool. Yep. I'm not that even into adult videos. I mean, I'm clothing; I'm not exactly easily aroused. Not like you anyway. Man if I had a nickel for every erection you had while wearing me I'd be...well, I'd probably still be stuck in a box in your basement, but I'd have A LOT of nickels. Unless, of course, you stole them from me.

And I don't think that would surprise anybody.

Anyway, Miss World 2004 it is. This year's pageant promises to be another fine evening of skin and awkwardly recited answers. There are many fine contestants worthy of wearing the Miss World crown. But no matter who wins, they'll have their work cut out for them because reigning Miss World, Rosanna Davison, has done a bang-up job.

I actually have no idea what kind of job Rosanna Davison has done. That's because I've been in a box in your basement all year. I thought maybe I might be taken out for your vacation last spring to Hilton Head but alas I was not. How's that new pair of swim trunks working out for you? I don't think it makes you look fat. For the most part, anyway. Then again, those long inseam swim trunks bring out the thunder thighs in people. Yep, for looking slim on the beach you really can't do much better than a 3-inch inseam number. Like me. Yes, there is the occasional testicle flash issue, but still I make your thighs look fantastic. And that's saying A LOT.

Alrighty, enough about me and your flabby thighs: on with my predictions...

Miss China, Jin Yang
It only makes sense to pick the contestant from the host country, as this year's extravaganza takes place in Sanya, China. Even though beauty pageant judging is the height of objectivity, you still have to factor in a home crowd bias. Plus I'm mandated by you to pick Miss China every year. I'm glad it gets you an extra 100 hits a day from Miss World enthusiasts in China who Google "Miss China". Yep. Some might think that makes you look weak and shallow, but I don't. Not. At. All. But Miss China is also a strong contestant on her own merits. She's studying to become an accountant and she likes to draw. And her motto "The desirable come from being nothing desired: Far-reaching is out of a still heart" is not just inspiring, but poorly translated. I've picked Miss China to be a finalist the last two years, and the last two years Miss China has been a finalist. Take that nugget of trivia however you want. But if you win money from it, be sure to throw a nickel or two my way. I love nickels.

Miss Panama, Melissa Del Carmen Piedrahita Melendez
Ain't nothin' like it, her shiny machine. Got the feel for the wheel, keep the movin' parts clean. Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue. Got an on-ramp comin' through my bedroom....Sorry, couldn't resist. I mean, I've been in a box with all your old Van Halen 45s, so who could blame me for from quoting "Panama" while picking Miss Panama to reach the finals? Anyway, one look at this Panamanian beauty and it would be hard pressed not to pick her to take home the crown. And she's David Lee Roth's daughter to boot. How can you pick against that?...Okay, she's not really David Lee Roth's daughter. But if she was that would only help her because he current Miss World is the daughter of another rock star, Chris DeBurgh of "Lady in Red" fame. It's clear that the judges have a thing for contestants who are the offspring of 1980s music celebrities. And she's going to need all the help she can get, because although Miss Panama is clearly beautiful enough to be the next Miss World, her long-ass name isn't going to do her any favors. You just know that pageant host Troy McClain (of TV's The Apprentice -- yep, that Troy McClain...dear god) is going to mangle her name, and the judges will be forced to put him and the audience out of their misery by firing her voting her out.

Miss Ukraine, Lesya Matvyeyeva
Miss Ukraine is easily the sentimental favorite, especially since there is no Miss Iraq this year. Given her country's political turmoil nothing would be better than to see Matvyeyeva take the crown. Assuredly that would bring much needed unity to the Ukraine and help restore order to what is a messy situation that is beyond my comprehension because I am a pair of dirty old swim trunks that's been stuck in a box in your basement for years on end. Is it even called "the Ukraine"? Or is it simply "Ukraine"? She isn't referred to as "Miss the Ukraine" so perhaps the "the" isn't necessary. Doesn't really matter, I guess, as long as someone lets Troy know beforehand. As for Miss Ukraine's unique talents, she hasn't really got any. At least according to her bio. She majored in "jurisprudence" at college. I have no idea what that means. Is that like "Physics for Poets" or something? Regardless, Miss Ukraine is a contestant to reckon with and she will definitely be in the thick of things. And just because Miss USA won the Beach Beauty title (as Rosanna Davison did last year) it doesn't mean anything. Everyone around the world hates the United States, so she doesn't have a chance in hell of winning. Yep, chalk it up to the price of freedom building.

So there you have them: my three finalists. If forced to pick a winner, I'd go ahead and select Miss China. She has an extra breast, and that's going to be hard to top. Whatever the outcome it's sure to be an evening of skin and awkwardly recited answers. I know I said that already, but I'm tapped and got nothing left. Three years of predicting Miss World has broken me like I've never been broken before. Yep, this is even worse than that time you had diarrhea at Jones Beach. Now if I were predicting the results of, say, the Adult Video Awards, well, that would be another thing. I could prognosticate for hours about that. And I haven't even seen one Adult Video this year. Perhaps for Xmas you could throw one in my box? No biggie, if not. It's not like I'm used to being ignored or anything. The Van Halen 45s and the jock strap from male cheerleading camp and I will be fine either way. Bored and miserable, but fine. Yep.

This post is dedicated to, as always, Patti Freeman.