A week ago I let the entire blogosphere know that I am here to answer whatever questions they have about the world around them. In no time my email was swamped with worried and confused missives from worried and confused people. I hope that the following answers will relieve at least some of their worry and confusion because it really isn't very becoming.

Dear C,

Are panhandlers and Hare Krishna's friendlier these days or what? I ask because you seem to be a man about town and this morning I was walking along Fifth & Morrison (Portland, Ore.) and this woman in her twenties with piercing blue eyes and a shaved head was especially friendly while asking if I had a second. Her method was compelling: she spoke as if everything had already been settled and we were about to sleep together. Are they trained this way? Has something like that happened to The C? What did he do? I'm not an overly religious person or anything, but I just smiled back and kept walking, in part, because I'm a married man.

- d (aka Ognatius)

Dear d,

If I had a dime for every time a bald young woman with piercing blue eyes came on to me I'd have A LOT dimes. Not sure how many because I've never counted, but rest assured I could make A LOT of calls from payphones with all the dimes I'd have. Of course these days most pay phones cost at least a quarter, so I'd have to ask somebody to trade me a quarter for some dimes to be able to make a payphone call. And if the person didn't have a nickel I'd be out five cents and that would suck. I guess the call would really have to be worth it for me to lose five cents over, like if it were a life emergency or something. I hate life emergencies. They're so stressful.

Dear C,

- Patti

Dear Patti,

I don't know where your son's girlfriend gets off making these outrageous claims. She must be trying to pull your son away from you like all evil and treacherous young women with so called "peanut and bean allergies" do. I bet she's bald and has piercing blue eyes. Am I right? Course I am; the advice columnist is always right. Well, whatever you do, make sure she doesn't take all your son's dimes. He may not realize it now, but he's going to need those dimes one day. For what? I don't know; that's between him and God, but believe me he will need them. For reals.

Dear C,

- Sonia

Dear Sonia,

I don't really see the appeal of thongs. Why anyone would want to share 98% of their backside with the rest of the world is beyond me. And most of the people that do don't have a backside good enough to show 98% of it to the rest of the world. Now I, on the other hand, have a backside made for wearing a thong. The only problem is that if anybody saw 98% of my backside they'd go into a convulsive seizure because my backside is so mesmerizing and phat; just ask any bald woman with piercing blue eyes at an international airport. If I had a dime for every time 98% of my backside has brought on a seizure in a bald woman with piercing blue eyes I'd, I'd, I'd have AT LEAST 40 cents. So as a public safety service I've vowed to go thongless for the remainder of my life. It's okay, you can thank me later.

Have a question about the world around you of your own? Let me answer it for you! I'll even link to your blog should you have one. Everybody wins!

This post is dedicated to my sinuses.