Dear C,

- Patti

Star Jones got the job because when she had her stomach stapled she also had a magical orb placed inside her spleen that allows her to rule over the entire entertainment world. It protects her from evil, as well, like tsunamis, Meredith Viera, and people like you who dare question Star's talent and beauty.

Stop fighting Star Jones, Patti. Girlfriend, let it go. It's not worth it. Just give yourself to her. Star Jones is a fantastic lawyer/entertainer and her husband is a gay man with a lazy eye. It's a beautiful thing. Stop denying yourself access to the beauty.

It doesn't really matter, anyway. Eventually the magical orb inside Star Jones' spleen will target its power on you and you'll have no choice but to give in to it. Soon you'll be writing fan letters to Star everyday and speaking about her as though she was some glorious corporate-sponsored god. Payless Shoes look smart and pay less, Patti.

In closing, I'm drunk -- but that shouldn't make a difference; Pat O'Brien is getting help and that's all that's important right now. I can only imagine how this news has affected Star Jones. She and Pat are very close (they share an indentured servant in the Hamptons), so I know she must be devastated. I wouldn't want to be a hot fudge sundae in New York City today. Yes, The Insider will suffer in Pat's absence, but soon he will return and Americans will once again be privy to all the important "inside" news about television stars and rock and roll music groups.

This post is dedicated to Asking C and Learning.