Don't worry: I'm not going to start this Utter Wonder Hall of Fame induction off with some rant about how the UWHOF refuses to go away, or about how its power continues to lure brave and courageous and intestinal fortitudinal people to its shiny and fancy chamber. Nope. Not gonna do it.

But still, you have to admit, it's kind of amazing, isn't it? I mean, today we shall induct our 35th member. That means there'll be five times as many members of the UWHOF than there are daily readers of this site. That's crazy, no? It's gotta qualify as some sort of freak of math or science or nature or something. NOVA should do a special on it. That would be awesome. I love NOVA. There's nothing better than being unemployed and sitting alone at home on a rainy day watching old NOVA episodes. Nothing.

But enough about how awesome the UWHOF is; today is all about our 35th inductee, NAME REMOVED BY REQUEST OF INDUCTEE WHO NOW REGRETS HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE UWHOF. Her/his/its name alone oozes bravery and courage and intestinal fortitude. In fact, I bet she/he/it has to travel with a damp sponge so as to wipe the bravery and courage and intestinal fortitude off herself/himself/itself every now and then. Must be kind of a burden having to do that. Imagine grocery shopping, or being out on a date, or attending a funeral of a co-worker you didn't really know, but that you still felt obligated to attend and having to constantly wipe yourself with a damp sponge because you have some intestinal fortitude dripping down your face? God, that would be tough! Yet STILL NAME REMOVED BY REQUEST OF INDUCTEE WHO NOW REGRETS HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE UWHOF perseveres.

But who is NAME REMOVED BY REQUEST OF INDUCTEE WHO NOW REGRETS HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE UWHOF? What can we learn about her/him/it that would help us understand her/his/its immense bravery and courage and intestinal fortitude? Well, let's hear it from the inductee herself/himself/itself:

"Here's my photo for the UWHOF. Submitting my photo to you demonstrates that I am brave and courageous and have the intestinal fortitude to do such a thing. I write, and have written, all sorts of stuff. I've been published on McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Uber, and have an upcoming piece on Opium Magazine. I write like a maniac. In past lives I've written as a freelancer and otherwise, I have also written for newspapers and magazines: The Dallas Morning News, The Dallas Business Journal, CIO Magazine, Gannett Corp., etc. I am no dummy. For example, I learned how a biochemical pathway that helps describe how neurons in the brain and spinal cord form their connections, to write a press releases for a major medical and research center."

Wow! Other than the gross biology part at the end, I can't help but be impressed by NAME REMOVED BY REQUEST OF INDUCTEE WHO NOW REGRETS HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE UWHOF's resumé. All that and she/he/it has to carry a damp sponge around with her/him/it everywhere she/he/it goes? Awesome!

So now let's do like we always do during an induction and stare at NAME REMOVED BY REQUEST OF INDUCTEE WHO NOW REGRETS HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE UWHOF's photo for a time no shorter than five seconds. Begin!

One one-thousand...

Two one-thousand...

Three one-thousand...

Four one-thousand...

Five one-thousand.

Well done! So what do you think of NAME REMOVED BY REQUEST OF INDUCTEE WHO NOW REGRETS HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE UWHOF's photograph? It's easily the smallest UWHOF induction photo ever. My guess is that she/he/ it is not that little in real life. Not sure, though. Anyway, I don't think it looks like a photo that's been submitted to an online singles dating club at all. So stop thinking that! NAME REMOVED BY REQUEST OF INDUCTEE WHO NOW REGRETS HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE UWHOF also submitted a photo of herself/himself/itself when she/he/it was a child. Here it is:

So you see, the first photo couldn't have been actual size because this childhood pic reveals her/him/it to have been of average height and weight for a kid. Children, in general, don't shrink as they grow into adulthood, so I feel pretty confident in saying that NAME REMOVED BY REQUEST OF INDUCTEE WHO NOW REGRETS HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE UWHOF, our 35th inductee, is not a little person. She/he/it may have been pissed off as a child, but she/he/it is not a little person as an adult.

There. Glad that's settled!

I hereby officially induct NAME REMOVED BY REQUEST OF INDUCTEE WHO NOW REGRETS HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE UWHOF into Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame. For her/his/its bravery and courage and intestinal blah-blah-blah, NAME REMOVED BY REQUEST OF INDUCTEE WHO NOW REGRETS HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE UWHOF has received a singed copy of a letter I sent Star Jones that is more than suitable for framing. All of this fame and glory can be yours, too. Just submit a real photo of yourself and you'll be on your way to joining NAME REMOVED BY REQUEST OF INDUCTEE WHO NOW REGRETS HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE UWHOF and the 34 other people who have sacrificed their privacy and pride by allowing me to induct them into my non-accredited hall of fame.