Step 1

Breathe. Breathe and stretch and stretch and breathe. Isn't it sunny outside? Do you hear the birds? Chirp! Chirp! Birds! Wretched blogless birds.

Step 2

Leave multiple aliased comments on past blog entries. Freak out when you spell definitive with an "a." Write a letter to your favorite blogger, and ask him to change it. In the process, inadvertently expose yourself as "jbaby670." Cry yourself to sleep on a cold hard pillow, jbaby670. Cry long.

Step 3

Buy a gun. It will help you cope.

Step 4

The neighbor's dog stares at you on the sidewalk. You feel his glare. Don't freak. He doesn't know what you're going through. The neighbor's dog has no clue that you spent all morning on your knees in the shower, praying that you could make it just a few more days. Blogless, meaningless days.

Step 5

Try setting up your own blog. Try. Give up. Spend the rest of the day trying to write entries for your defunct new blog, and cry yourself to sleep, face down on a keyboard of garbled sobs.

Step 6

Look at gun. Hold it in your hand. Feel cool and powerful with your gun. Point gun at self in mirror. Bang.

Step 7

The dog is staring again. Reassure yourself, he doesn't know what he's doing to you. He doesn't know how hard your life is without your favorite blogger. Stare back. Hold your tears.

Step 8

Midnight. Check your favorite blogger's blog for the fiftieth time today. No update. The wind blows strong against your window shutters, and pornography has lost its allure. Not really.

Step 9

Stretch. Stretch out long in your bed as another stupid sun rises on another stupid empty day. If the stupid birds are chirping, you can't hear them. Pee-pee. Shower. Brush teeth. Cut your gums with dental floss. Weep alone in the sink for three hours straight.

Step 10

Put gun in pocket. Security. Your gun is blogless security. Pass dog on sidewalk. Consider. Consider. Consider. Throw gun at dog and run home. Sob hysterically in the bushes in front of your house.

Step 11

Bootstraps. Try to grab those bootstraps. One more day until your favorite blogger returns. You have made it through most of the week, the cold hard blogless week. Cry alone to a rerun of Dawson's Creek until you fall asleep. One more day.

Step 12

Monday morning. Fresh morning air circulates through your lungs. Chirp! Chirp! ZZZZZING! C MONKS!

[It's been a wonderful and all-too-fast week full of blogging and alcohol to cope with said blogging. Thanks for being so good to me, and praise be to Utter Wonder, praise be to C Monks. I'll likely be over here, gettin' busy for some time to come, so visit. Kisses to goldness. -Gene]