Dear C,

Thanks,
Colleen

Dear Colleen,

You've come to the right place, Colleen. If anybody knows what men want, it's me. You see, I myself am a man with wants. I'm married now, of course, so many of my wants are locked away forever without any chance of being fulfilled, yet still I have them. Somewhere.

Even though it was long ago, I remember the dating scene well. I was a champion dater before I settled down with My Lady. On some weeks I'd go out on ten, sometimes eleven, different dates. In my mind. While they weren't actual real life dates they still were a lot of fun, and I always scored at the end of them. I remember an imaginary date I had with Julie, the girl who worked at the counter at my local Kinkos. In real life she acted like I didn't exist, but on my imaginary dates with her she thought the world of me. On one I took her to the zoo and we French kissed by the giraffe enclosure. Then we went back to her place and watched Quantum Leap and French kissed some more. Boy, was she ever great. Wished things had worked out between us. If only she hadn't slept with Greg Evigan. I hate Greg Evigan. I'll never forgive him for stealing my imaginary girlfriend away from me.

Anyway, since receiving your question I've done a lot of research on the topic of how best to attract men. Most of my time was spent watching Comcast's Dating On Demand video profiles. Unfortunately, I didn't learn very much, other than there are a lot of stubborn women out there who refuse to lose their big hair. So I guess I'll just have to wing it with my answer.

I think the first thing you should do is read up on giraffes. Most men find them highly erotic creatures, and the more a woman knows about giraffes, the more into her a guy will be. Here's a fun fact about giraffes to get you started: An adult giraffe's tongue is 27" long. Tell a man that and you'll have him wrapped around your finger in no time.

After boning up on your giraffe knowledge the next thing you should do is watch every episode of the hit television show Quantum Leap, starring Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell. It was really an amazing show, and if you were to drop a few classic quotes from it your date will be so excited that he'll start dry humping your leg.

Lastly, get a job at Kinkos. The world of photocopying might seem banal, but it's really not. It's very exciting and fast-paced and you get to wear a smart-looking smock that says "Kinkos" on it. Upon discovering that you're an expert on giraffes, a fan of Quantum Leap, and an employee at Kinkos you'll have dozens of men lining up to French kiss you. I guarantee it!

This post is dedicated to solitude.