I need to get into a blog fight. I think that's just the sort of thing that would finally put Utter Wonder over the top. A fight with a famous blogger would bring in so much traffic that chances are it would move this site from a fair-to-middling blog to a fair-to-above-average blog.

God. That would be awesome.

This guy started a blog fight recently and thus far he's gotten over 40 comments on that one post alone. It's almost like he's a regular blogger now. Wow. That's great. If only I could be considered a regular blogger. Just think: me a regular fair-to-above-average blogger. I get all tingly at just the thought of it.

I love feeling all tingly.

But who should I pick a fight with? It's not like I haven't tried in the past. Hard to trump up some controversy and spite when nobody knows you exist. Plus I wouldn't want the target of my attack to take it personally or anything. I mean, I'd only be starting a blog fight with them to get more hits.

This guy might be a good foe. He gets in blog fights all the time. And from what I understand a lot of his readers are naked women. You gotta think a blog fight with him would send at least a half-dozen naked women readers my way. That would be sweet. Think so anyway. Maybe not. Not sure. Might be kind of intimidating, actually. I have issues with performance anxiety as it is. Can't imagine how it would affect me knowing I had at least a half-dozen naked women reading my blog everyday.

Another blogger worth blog fighting might be this one. He's got one of those high-power New York blogs. One blog slap of him would send my blog's numbers through the roof. I only wish he didn't write in the third person. I'd feel weird blog fighting somebody who writes like that. It would be like fighting my great aunt. She writes letters to me in the third person. "We had a lovely time shopping for housecoats with you last Saturday," etc. It's not nearly as charming as she thinks it is.

Then there's this blogger. She might be too easy a target, but still, I bet she's up for a scuffle. Looks the part anyway. I wouldn't have any problem blog fighting a woman. Or even a retarded woman. Wait. Is she retarded? Doesn't matter. I'd fight her. Although, her stream-of-consciousness/poem blogging style would be tricky to defend, only because I'd have no idea what the hell she was saying. Still, she gets monster traffic and I'm sure her readers would visit here trying to defend her honor. I'd try not to let the fact that most of them are unsettling in a really sad and lonely way bother me; to me they'd just be a number helping me get to the fair-to-above-average blogger stratosphere.

I don't know. Picking a blog fight is harder than it seems. Maybe I should just leave an open invitation for any famous blogger who wants to fight me. Come one, come all, etc. I'll take on any challenger provided they get at least a thousand hits a day on their blog. And to sweeten the pot, I'll even let them win our blog fight. Promise. I'm not in it to win it anyway; I'm just in it for the exposure. So really, it's a win/win proposition: You, the famous blogger, gets to add another W to your blog fighting record, and I, the non-famous blogger, gets a taste of all your traffic.

So how about it, mofos? You can start the fight on your blog or in my comments section. Totally up to you. Chances are you know a lot more about blog fighting than I do, so lead the way. Just be sure to link to me. Link to me a lot. Thanks!

This post is dedicated to Mitch Green.