Anyway, our fight. Yes, let's get on with it! Okay, well, you made a lot of malicious and false assertions in your tirade against me, and I guess that means I have to answer and rebuke them. That's how blog fighting works, right? Hee-hee. Bear with me, Ian; I'm a newbie at this. Not even sure what I should wear. Is a mouthguard necessary? Probably not. But I do have excellent teeth and I wouldn't want anything to happen to them. You know, I've only had one cavity in my life. Yep, I know: that's pretty awesome. And it's not like I do anything special to them either. I mean, yeah, I brush twice a day, but I rarely floss. I find flossing too much work. I don't need another bedtime routine anyway. I just want to go to bed at bedtime. Why is it we have to do all these things before we sleep? It's stupid.

Oops. Sorry. Went off on a tangent there. Let's blog fight! All right, so in your mean post about me you claim I did several outlandish things to you that you are really mad about. Let me try to defend myself by addressing a few of these claims.

- "Told Dana Plato that I thought she was fat, setting off downward spiral that led to her death"

Well, this one can be easily dismissed because I've never met Dana Plato. Ever. So you see, there's no way I could have told her that you thought she was fat. So you're mistaken. Some other acquaintance of yours must have told Dana Plato what you thought of her body shape. Not me. And for the record, I never found her fat. She had a pleasant-shaped body that I actually found quite appealing.

- "Sabotaged my front-running design submission for the September 11 Memorial by writing “We Luv U Osama� on the architectural model"

I didn't write that on your architectural model. What I wrote was: "Ian Carey has a wonderful vision here and I really think you should consider it for the memorial. God Bless America." So again, I think you've confused me with somebody else. I get that a lot, actually, so don't sweat it. Not sure what it is about me, but I constantly get mistaken for other people. Guess I just have one of those faces. Once I was in a Tower Records and a teenage girl came up to me and asked for my autograph. I was flattered. I'd only had my blog for a couple of months, yet somebody already wanted my autograph. So I signed it for her and she thanked me and looked at my signature and said, "Wait, you're not John Kenneth Galbraith?" So you see, this kind of stuff happens to me all the time. No biggie, Ian! Hope you find the person who did that, though. Whoever it was was way out of line.

- "Shot my dad in Reno just to watch him die"

Now with this one I think you're just being purposely silly because it sounds an awful lot like the lyrics from that Johnny Cash song. You're quite the card, Mr. Carey! And besides, don't you think that if I really did shoot your father in Reno I'd be in prison right now. Crime doesn't pay and there's no way I'd be able to get away with something like that without some sort of consequence. I mean, I suppose I could flee to some South American country and live the rest of my life as a fugitive from justice with a guilty conscience, but that's really not my style. I'm more of a homebody. Instead of traveling I just like to hang around the house. Read books, watch TV, write fan letters to Star Jones, etc. Some might think that's boring, but whatever. It doesn't bother me.

You mentioned a few other things about me, but I think everyone realizes that you made all them up. Still, they were very creative and for the most part typo-free (no wonder your blog has a Google PageRank of 6). So even though I'm a novice at this blog fighting business, it's pretty clear to me that you've won. You've beaten me silly and I surrender. Way to go, Ian! I bow to your blog fighting skillz. Congrats!

Okay, that should do it. Here's hoping this has brought all of your readers to my blog. (Hi, Ian's readers! Please feel free to make Utter Wonder a regular stop. I update every weekday and am an above-average dresser.) I'll send the results of our fight to the National Blog Fighting Association. It was a pleasure sparring with you. Best of luck with your future blog fighting endeavors!