No reason to beat around the bush: I'm inducting a baby today. Some might see this as a sign that I've lowered my standards for admittance into the UWHOF, but I haven't. I know for a fact that this baby is in the 90th-percentile for bravery and courage and intestinal fortitude, and that alone would get anybody inducted, not just a baby. So shut up.

I don't care what you think, anyway; this baby has the full support of its parents and that's all that matters. Here's a note from the dad himself, Mike Gordon:

"I would like to submit for consideration for the UWHOF my son, Joshua Jacob Gordon. While I would never use so venerable an institution as the UWHOF as a stepping stone, I confess that I hope this early HOF exposure will lead to admission into future, more lucrative HOFs, such as the NBA's. Kind of like when my mom made me take the PSATs in seventh grade. All the kids hated me after that. Before, too. But this is not about me; it is about Joshua Jacob Gordon, who I nominate for induction into the UWHOF, assuming I am so empowered."

So you see? Mike Gordon knows full well the awesomeness of the UWHOF. He's no doubt mad honored that his newborn son, Joshua, is being inducted. Yes, one wonders why Mike himself hasn't stepped up and applied for enshrinement, but whatever; parents love living their dreams through their children. (Don't I know it: I want nothing more for my sons than for them to grow up to be famous and married to Zooey Deschanel.) There's nothing wrong with making your child do things you yourself are terrified to do. It's a perk of being a parent, so you might as well take advantage of it. Well done, Mike!

Now let's do like we always do for an induction and stare at the inductee's pic for a period of time no shorter than five seconds. Begin!

One little piggy...

Two little piggy...

Three little piggy...

Four little piggy...

Five little piggy...

There. Good job. So what do you think of Joshua Jacob Gordon's photograph? I'm thinking he looks pretty new in the photo. He's glistening with newness, actually. His earlobes look to have just been through quite a workout. I'm not sure what feeling he's trying to express with that tongue, though. When I do that with my tongue it usually means I've had one too many daiquiris. Regardless, he's a fine looking baby, more than worthy of gracing the UWHOF with his protruding tongue/bruised earlobe beauty.

Joshua also becomes the youngest person to be inducted into the Hall, far surpassing that of Annie McKenna (age: 15 months), Reed Gleason (age: 15), and Leonard Pierce (age: 67). Chances are they'll never be anybody younger who'll be enshrined, so that makes today's induction pretty frickin' historical. I know, I know, I know: had you known you would have worn something spiffier. Don't worry about it. Not like this is the first time you've ever let me down.

With that said, I hereby officially induct Joshua Jacob Gordon into Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame. For his bravery and courage and intestinal fortitude, Joshua has received a signed copy of a fan letter I sent Star Jones. It's a one of a kind memento (a copied one of a kind memento) that could no doubt score him dozens of dollars on eBay one day--that's if selling my signed copies of fan letters to Star Jones was permitted, but it's not, so forget I said anything about it. Anyway, you yourself can have one of your very own; just send me an actual photo of yourself and you'll soon be a proud member of the UWHOF.