Wake up, blogosphere. Wake. Up. The Utter Wonder Hall of Fame is inducting it's 37th member today. Thirty. Seventh. That's way more inductees than anybody else's blog hall of fame. Suckers. Suck. Ers.

The UWHOF came into being when a person requested their image be removed from this site. In response, and because I had nothing else to write about that day, I decided to devote an entire pretend hall of fame made up of real and brave and courageous and intestinal fortitudinal people who would proudly display their mugs on Utter Wonder.

Since then 37 people have signed on to be a part of the most awesome pretend blog hall of fame of all-time. Boggles my mind how many brave and courageous and intestinal fortitudinal occasional readers I have.
And so what if I haven't heard from nearly half of them since their inductions? They're in the Hall and they aren't getting out of it. Not that any of them have regrets about applying or anything. I don't think so anyway. I mean, it is kind of weird how they've fallen of the map since their proud day of bravery and courage and intestinal fortitude, but that doesn't mean I should take it personally or anything.

Right?

Well, whatever then. If they want to be Regretty McRegrets, let them. Jerks. I'm not gonna let their second-thinking and subsequent shutting me out of their Internet lives ruin a perfectly good day for an induction. I'm here to celebrate our latest inductee; not kowtow to past inductees who for some reason don't think I'm the cat's meow anymore. But since I've brought it up, let me say for the record that I am SO still the cat's meow. I am incredibly agile and I bathe myself with my own tongue--that's how much of a cat's meow I am. Bastards.

Hold a sec. Hairball.

[HACK!]

Okay, that's better. So let's get on with the induction then. Matthew Simmons is who we're honoring today. Tomorrow he'll probably forget about me and my hall of fame like the rest of them, but today is today and I'm sure he's bursting with pride and whatnot over his enshrinement. Matthew is another in a long line of inductees that are writers. His work can be found in several online establishments, like McSweeney's and Surgery of Modern Warfare, and he also edits the fine literary website, Monkeybicycle.

So let's do like we always do for an inductee and stare at Matthew's photograph for a duration no shorter than five seconds. Begin!

One one-thousand...

Two one-thousand...

Three one-thousand...

Four one-thousand...

Five one-thousand...

Well done! So what do we think of Matthew Simmons's photo? I like his beard. Apparently it's a recent addition to his face. Nice. I couldn't grow a beard like that. My facial hair is terribly uneven and patchy. I get ingrown hairs like nobody's business. It's kind of gross. Weep City. Takes two hours every morning to make myself look presentable. It's worth it, though, because when I present I PRESENT. In other words: I'm beautiful. And not just for somebody with infected ingrown facial hairs either. Enough about me, though; it's Matthew's day here at Utter Wonder. Along with being bearded, he appears to be a happy guy in his pic, as if he was caught in mid-chuckle or something. Looks like he is in a bookstore. No wonder he's happy. Bookstores are glorious places. I used to work in a bookstore. Well, in a warehouse of a bookstore. It was fun. Boxed books all day. During down times we sat around and chatted and read books and made fun of my ingrown facial hairs. Yes, my feelings got hurt at times, but it was all in the spirit of coworker camaraderie. I'm a team player. Yep.

Hold a sec. Another hairball.

[HACK!]

Wow, that's satisfying.

Okay, so without further ado, I hereby officially induct Matthew Simmons into Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame. For his bravery and courage and intestinal blah-blah-blah, he's received a signed copy of a fan letter I sent Star Jones that is more than suitable for framing. As always, one of these babies can be yours, as well. Just send me an actual photograph of yourself and you'll be in line to be celebrated by me and each and every one of my 7.82 readers. So, what you waiting for? Send, send, send!