My house is abuzz with excitement over Father's Day, and I'm finding it difficult to settle down and focus to write anything of substance for you today. You see, I'm a father, so this Sunday is mine. All. Mine. I can do whatever I want, when I want. It's the only other day of the year besides my birthday, Super Bowl Sunday, the day after Administrative Assistants' Day, and the first three Mondays and Thursdays of every month when I can kick back and do whatever I want to. It's awesome.

There are gifts involved for this holiday, too. So I'm really hoping My Lady and sons don't get me something lame. I've left hints on the fridge as to what I want, so it's not like they don't know I want a date with Zooey Deschanel for Father's Day. I mean, I've pretty much spelled it out for them in big bright colorful magnetic letters so there really is no excuse for not getting me what I want.

Yes, I realize that coordinating a date Zooey Deschanel isn't exactly easy to do, but I feel if there's ever an opportunity to scam the Make-A-Wish Foundation this would be it. It's very simple: My Lady just has to write a letter to the Foundation saying that The Chosen One is really sick and his final wish is to see his father go out on a date with Zooey Deschanel. It's that easy. Nothing to it. Maybe also include a child's drawing of Zooey Deschanel going out on a date with me and my sick kid smiling. Zooey Deschanel would be on our doorstep in a flash. I mean, who says no to a sick kid?

So here's hoping that my family pulls through for me. I'm not sure where Zooey Deschanel and I will go on our date. She's paying for it, so I guess I'll let her decide. I hope she's not into the club scene. I'm a bit too old for that. Plus dancing makes me sweaty. Still, if she really wants to go out dancing I'd agree to it. I can shake a tail feather with the best of them. I just hate being sweaty. But I'll live.

You know when I think about it, it's Father's Day so never mind that Zooey Deschanel is paying for our date, I should get to decide what we're doing. It's my day after all. If it was Zooey Deschanel Day then of course I'd let her take me to some club, but it's not, so I think I'll decide where we're going thankyouverymuch.

Paintball. That's what we'll do. I've never been, but I've always wanted to, and my date with Zooey Deschanel seems just as good as time as any to go paintballing. There'll probably be some thirteen-year-old's birthday party going on while were there, but whatever, thirteen year-olds don't scare me. I will take them out hard. Then Zooey Deschanel will be all impressed with my paintball skillz and she'll want to French kiss me, but I'd be like "Sorry, Z, can't do it. I'm married. Thug life 4 eva." Her heart will be broken, but it's not like that'd be the first time I broke some fox's heart. It would just be the first time I've broken some fox's heart at a paintball place.

So I look forward to telling you all about my Father's Day date with Zooey Deschanel. I'm thinking there's like a 75% to 80% chance that it's gonna happen. Otherwise, it'll just be another tie, plus some cold waffles and bacon in bed. That would suck. But I'm staying positive, so much so that I'm planning on taking Monday off from blogging so I can recover from my date with Zooey Deschanel (should have all the paint off by then, too). So see you Tuesday and have a nice weekend!

This post is dedicated to your last chance to enter Doodleday's first ever caption contest.