What a relief! I was really worried there for a while, but now that Michael Jackson has been found not guilty of child molestation my two sons will still have the opportunity to sleep with him in his bed. Phew!

Just think: if he'd been found guilty neither The Chosen One nor Lil' Buddy would ever get the chance to spend the night at Neverland Ranch with the King of Pop. They'd never get to ride the Ferris wheel or pet the monkeys or sip the Jesus Juice, and that simply would not have been fair.

I mean, since other people's children got a chance to sleep with Jacko, mine should too. What makes these other kids better than mine? Okay, some might be sick and dying or poor or whatever, but my sons can't help not being sick and dying or poor or whatever. Sick and poor and whatever kids always get what they want! It's about time the regular kids finally get in on the fun. I'm sick and tired of normal kids getting discriminated against. I want to be famous!

So I look forward to the day when the acquitted Michael Jackson invites my sons over for a sleepover. I'm not sure how it works. Maybe he'll email us or something. Or maybe he might surprise us with an invite in person. That'd be neat. I'd open the door and there on the front porch would be MJ and his umbrella-holding bodyguard. I get tingly just thinking about it. My neighbors would be so jealous. I'd just laugh in their faces and tell them to screw themselves. MJ and his umbrella-holding bodyguard are on my front porch, bitches! So bite me!

Anyway, I've packed two overnight bags in preparation. Figured I might as well be ready when The Gloved One summons my boys. I think he'll appreciate the organization; MJ strikes me as a little anal.

This post is dedicated to Wonkette nearly getting my name right.