Since the UWHOF is up to 40+ members, I thought it would be fun to catch up with past inductees. So I sent out emails and asked them what they've been up to since their enshrinement into the largest and most heralded blog hall of fame of all-time. Here are the results:

UWHOF Members: Where Are They Now?

Lisa Rocci (Inducted to June, 2003):
Dead.

Joe Goodwin (Inducted June, 2003):
Joined a cult.

Michael McInnis (Inducted July, 2003):
Joined a cult.

Reed Gleason (Inducted January, 2004):
Dead.

Jennifer Amey (Inducted May, 2004):
Joined a cult.

Leonard Pierce (Inducted May, 2004):
Dead.

Jessica Donahue (Inducted June, 2004):
Joined a cult; died shortly thereafter.

Dan Burt (Inducted June, 2004):
Dead.

Aaron Burch (Inducted August, 2004):
Weekend meteorologist for WOTV-Ch. 41 in Battle Creek, Michigan.

Steven Seighman (Inducted October, 2004):
Joined a cult.

Stephen Ausherman (Inducted January, 2005):
Joined a cult.

Timber Masterson (Inducted June, 2005):
Dead.

Seeing those names again brings you back, doesn't it? It's amazing to think about just how many brave and courageous and intestinal fortitudinal people are in the Hall. Funny how so many are either dead or in a cult. Still, I'm sure each and every one of them would have said--either before they died or before they joined a cult--that being inducted into the UWHOF was one of the most special days of their lives. (Now that they're dead or in a cult they might say otherwise, but dead people and cult members aren't exactly the most reliable people in the world, so you have to take whatever they say with a grain of salt.)

Now let's move on and meet our latest inductee, Alan Petner. Aside from his obvious bravery and courage and intestinal fortitude, I don't know much about Alan. In fact when I went to Google him, it turned up nothing. How sad is that? I can't imagine what it's like to get no results after Googling your name. As most of you know, I'm the #1 C Monks in all the world. Yep. Feels great.

Chances are his UWHOF induction will rescue Alan Petner from oblivion and make him the #1 Alan Petner in all the world. (You're welcome, Alan.) Imagine how the other Alan Petners will feel when each of them realizes he isn't #1. They'll probably feel like losers—-non-brave, non-courageous, non-intestinal non-fortitudinal losers. Remind me to send them my regards during their pity party. They're pathetic, really. How loserish do you have to be to hold a party to cry about not being the best Alan Petner in the world? I mean, when I wasn't #1 I had a get together for it, but not an all-out party. How lame is that? I'm sure the #1 Alan Petner feels relieved to have separated himself from all the lesser Alan Petners. This proves yet again the spectacular power of the UWHOF.

So now let's do like we always do during an induction and stare at inductee's photo for at least five seconds. Begin!

One-one thousand...

Two-one thousand...

Three-one thousand...

Four-one thousand...

Five-one thousand.

Well done! So what do we make of Alan Petner's photograph? I think he puts all the other Alan Petners to shame. He also doesn't strike me as a candidate for either death or a cult. You never know, of course, but something in the way he holds that beer bottle says "I'm not going anywhere, and especially not with you, Moonie!" I suppose there are other cults he could join besides the Moonies, but whatever, he appears well-grounded enough to fend off any groups' attempt to make him a thoughtless drone. I think his shirt says it all: Alan wants to "Make Love, Not Money" for gosh sakes! How well-grounded can one guy be? Okay, maybe "Make Love, Not Money" could be construed as a little culty. But look at him: he appears to be hanging out with friends. Studies show that those without friends are far liklier to die or join a cult. (Actually, I just made that up, but it makes sense, don't you think?) Looks like Alan is attending a barbecue or block party. Hottie in the background seems to be giving him the eye. Of course, there's a chance she could be in a cult and is trying to recruit him, but I'd say the odds of that are slim to none. Plus given her attractiveness I bet whatever cult she was in wouldn't be all that bad. Most cults feature ugly people, so if you find yourself being recruited by a hottie cult you may want to at least consider joining up. Better to be in a cult full of hotties than in a cult full of ugly, lesser Alan Petner-types.

Anyway, without further ado, I officially induct the #1 Alan Petner into Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame. For his efforts he's received a signed copy of a fan letter I wrote Star Jones. (Yet another reason for all the other Alan Petners to be jealous of him.)

As always, you too can be among the brave and the courageous and intestinal blah-blah-blah. Simply, send me an actual photo of yourself and you'll not only be on your way to blog fame, but you'll be on your way to either dying or joining a cult, or both. So what the hell you waiting for?