The NCAA has decided to ban universities from using Indian mascots and names during postseason play. They believe using Native American people as mascots is "hostile and abusive" and they encourage schools with Indian-themed mascots to change their names.
Florida Governor Jeb Bush blasted the decision, "How politically correct can we get?" he asked. "The folks that make these decisions need to get out more often."
It's hard to argue with him. I mean, if we didn't have Indian mascots us regular people wouldn't have any access to Native American culture. I've learned all I know about Indians from watching Indian mascots strut their stuff. They are a proud people who always wear face paint and big feathers on their heads. They also chant gibberish and carry spears while riding horses. Plus they love sports, especially football. Ever see an Indian after his team scores a touchdown? He's like a one-man dancing, chanting, flaming spear-waving party!
Still, it looks as though the 18 colleges and universities that have Native American mascots may have to make some changes if they want to have a mascot cheer for their athletic teams during postseason games. So here are some suggestions for alternate nicknames and mascots for a few of the schools. (I've provided their current nicknames in parenthesis.)
McMurray University Mennonites (Indians)
It's high time the Mennonites, long considered the "better Amish" because they use electricity, get their due. What better way than to feature them as a school's team mascot? (NOTE: I have no idea if the two men pictured are Mennonite or Amish, as I can never tell them apart, but it doesn't really matter because when you put a logo on them they officially become the "McMurray University Fightin' Mennonites!")
University of Utah Mormons (Utes)
This one just makes plain sense. Why the University of Utah has been shlumping it with a name like "Utes" for so long is beyond me. Who's ever heard of the Utes? Not me. Was Geronimo a Ute? Was that Indian who hated pollution a Ute? I don't think so. No, "The Utah Mormons" is a much better name. There are a ton of Mormons in Utah, and I think they'd all like having their religion honored in the form of a wild screaming Mormon missionary passing out religious literature and marrying every female teenager in sight at the halftime of basketball games. It's a no brainer!
Carthage College Blackfaces (Redmen)
Everybody loves a minstrel show, am I right? Not only would Carthage College rid itself of what some believe is a "hostile and abusive" nickname and mascot, it would also gain them some big time showmanship. The Carthage Blackface Pep Squad would revolutionize the art of the halftime show with its retro chic rendition of "Mamie." Plus the Carthage would no longer have to dole out money for expensive red face paint for its mascots. This would save the athletics department thousands of dollars because black shoe polish is a whole lot cheaper. I think.
Southeastern Oklahoma State Sikhs (Savages)
This name will pull the old end around on those PC-whiners at the NCAA. They don't want Indian mascots? Okay then, we'll use the other Indians as mascots instead. You know: India-Indians. Sikhs seem to most fit the bill, as from what I've seen on the Discovery Channel, most Indians from India wear sheets on their heads. (NOTE: I realize that most of the Sikhs pictured don't look particularly India-Indian, but this is just a mock up of what the mascots would look like. The final version will much more India-Indian-looking Sikhs. In fact, I'm holding out hope that Bollywood Star Aishwarya Ray will be the official face of the Southeastern Oklahoma St. Sikhs. She's a looker! Not sure she's a Sikh, though. Don't think she'll care either way.)
Florida State University Jesus Christs (Seminoles)
The Son of God would make a fine mascot for one of college footballs most blessed programs. And I don't think a god-fearing Governor like Jeb Bush would object to having Jesus Christ represent one of his state's universities. Let's face it: it would be pretty awesome having Jesus as your mascot. Your team would never lose. Unless, of course, if one of the star players was a Satanist or something. Boy, would that be awkward or what? So, yeah, FSU would probably take a dip in blue chip Satanist recruits, but most of those go to Duke as it is anyway, so no big loss.
This post is dedicated to the Badgers and the Hawkeyes.
