Utter Wonder: The Idle Thoughts Of C. Monks

Ask C and You Shall Learn, Vol. XI.

Posted 09/27/2005 07:24 AM by cmonks in Ask C and You Shall Learn!.

Dear C,

I couldn't help but be impressed, as I'm sure is true of the rest of the Western Hemisphere, with your dedication link on Thursday, September 15-- specifically, with how quickly you found it among the billions of files on the internet. How does that work? Do you have an eerie homing ability to find tragicomedy, no matter where it resides? Do you subscribe to a service? Did you just crib it from Ann Coulter's site? I ask, and look forward to learning.

Thanks,
Mike Gordon

Great question, Mike Gordon. I'm fond of questions that imply that I am really good at something. They make me feel important and strong and like I'm really good at something. Not that I need questions like that to instill confidence and pride in myself or anything. It's just nice to get some affirmation from someone other than myself or my imaginary friend, Judy.

As to your question, though, well, all I can say is that I find wonderful links, like the link I posted on the 15th of September, through nothing but hard work. Everyday I spend hours surfing the net and eating potato chips, in search of finding an awesome link that I can share with each and every one of my 14.72 readers. I know they rely on me for links to odd, disturbing and hilarious things and I don't want to let them down. It's a lot of pressure, actually. That's why I eat the chips. I go through two, sometimes three family-sized bags of potato chips a day. When I run out of chips I move on to chocolate-covered pretzels. I love chocolate-covered pretzels--not yogurt-covered pretzels, mind you (those are for hippies), but chocolate-covered pretzels. In lots of ways chocolate-covered pretzels are the perfect food. They satisfy my dual cravings for salt and sugar, and they're covered in chocolate. If only they could be more like doughnuts!

So have no fear, Mike Gordon: as you read this now I'm probably surfing the net strung out on chips and chocolate-covered pretzels, looking for some odd or disturbing or hilarious link to post on this blog. I'm also probably trying to get my imaginary friend Judy to make out with me. All that salt and sugar typically makes me want to get down with her. I just wish she'd be more receptive to my advances. Nothing worse than having a cold fish for an imaginary friend.

All my love,
C.

If you have a question that needs an answer, simply Ask C and You Shall Learn.

This post is dedicated to Natalie Imbruglia.

***There is a NEW PHOTO***

Comments.

Is the guy behind your dance-off foe doing the Elaine Dance with sexy thumb action?

Posted by: Glitter Poodle at 09/27/2005 09:01 AM

C, we all think the world of you, but I'm not sure you should be messing with that guy.

Posted by: hockomock at 09/27/2005 09:28 AM

I went to High School with that guy. He once danced for 64 hours straight and then went to a roller skating party. We used to call him Mr. Bojangles. Watch yourself.

Posted by: Parker at 09/27/2005 10:12 AM

You certainly seem to know a lot of white people. That could come in handy, they're all good at math.

Posted by: bob at 09/27/2005 11:18 AM

C -

This post makes me think about people's pictures appearing on the Web. And that brings me to this question: "Why are you not a member of the Utter Wonder Hall of Fame?"
If you appear, I'll apply, too...

XOXO,
Flower Girl

Posted by: Flower Girl at 09/27/2005 11:41 AM

You could get a Big Daddy fryer, and have DEEP FAT FRIED CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZELS. That would make them quite doughnut-like, yo.

Posted by: Mush at 09/27/2005 11:44 AM

Hey C,

Was that question posted by Mike Gordon the bassist for Phish? Is it possible you have another celebrity reading your blog? I'm sure he probably perfers yogurt covered pretzels though so maybe you don't really care.

Posted by: Eric Spear at 09/27/2005 12:32 PM

I think it would be really helpful to get a list of all the celebrities currently reading UTTER WONDER.

This would enhance the reading experience cause I could be like, "David Hasselhoff and me have so much in common!" every time I read something.

That would make my life so much better and more worthwhile.

Posted by: Pauly D at 09/27/2005 10:06 PM

I would like to comment on your acute culinary senses. Yogurt covered pretzels ARE hippie food. But at least they can stand up and admit it. Not like those weasely carob covered things that are nothing but dirty hippie treats in disguise. Man those hippies are sneaky. How can you trust someone that doesn't even believe in violence?

Posted by: Charlie at 09/30/2005 06:02 PM

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