Hello out there to all my fellow God-fearing Americans. It's time again for me, former Secretary of Education and current expert on all things virtuous, William Bennett, to deliver my weekly gambling picks for the world of sports. Now I know I've been the subject of controversy as of late, what with my comments about black people and abortions, but please don't let that dissuade you from taking my advice on where to place your money on this weekend's events. Lord knows there's a lot of great games to bet on out there. I know I am going to wager a fortune! So let's get to it!
College Football
LSU +14.5 At Mississippi State
This is a great match up between two SEC rivals. I like to call this game the "Katrina Bowl" because both universities represent states that were ravaged by Hurricane Katrina. So that's why I call this game the "Katrina Bowl." Get it? Anyway, it should be an entertaining game as LSU will assault Mississippi State with its relentless air attack, while Mississippi State will seek to destroy LSU's defense by flooding their zone with multiple receivers. Even though the Tigers are the clear favorite, they should be careful because the Bulldogs will try to loot them of the football whenever they can. In the end, though, I believe LSU will rebound from last week's raping by Tennessee and cover the spread.
BILL BENNETT'S PICK TO CLICK: LSU
Pro Football
Detroit At Tampa Bay +6.5
Tampa's rookie running back Cadillac Williams has been tearing it up this season. He has already rushed for over 400 yards. Thanks to him I won $1500 last weekend. Now there's one black baby I'm glad wasn't aborted! Just goes to show you never can be sure how a black kid will turn out. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Anyway, I think the Buccaneers will stay undefeated this week, but the Lions, with their muscular black wide receivers, will give them a run for their money and wind up beating the spread.
BILL BENNETT'S PICK TO CLICK: DETROIT
NASCAR
The Talladega 500
Ah, NASCAR: you gotta love it! Nothing like the thrill of watching man and machine whirling around a track for hour after hour! Better still: there are not a lot of blacks in NASCAR. I wonder why. It's almost as if all the blacks that would have grown up to be race car drivers were aborted. Now I know there are exceptions to the rule, and that there are a few black race car drivers out there, but the only reason they're around is because they're illegitimate mulattos birthed from the wombs of white women who just couldn't resist the animalistic charms of their black farmhands. Man, is this country diverse or what!?! As for the race itself, Dale Earnhardt Jr, Tony Stewart, and Jeff Gordon are the favorites at 9-2 odds. You can't go wrong picking any of those three, but it you're looking for a sleeper, I'd say you should out some money on Ricky Rudd at 50-1. He's a cagey veteran and, as far as I know, he's not a stepfather to any illegitimate mulattos.
BILL BENNETT'S PICK TO CLICK: RICKY RUDD
Okay, folks. That should do it for now. Remember: you can't win if you don't play, so bet early and often. Here's hoping it's your lucky weekend this weekend. May all your picks click and may you not be mugged by a non-aborted black person!
This post is dedicated to crying on the inside.
