Edith Stumplonia took great pride in her ample bosom. It was the most ample bosom she had ever laid eyes on – and she had laid eyes on plenty of bosom. Back in high school, when her bosom was young and wild, she would often find herself gazing at other girls' bosoms, usually in the her high school's locker room, but sometimes at the local TCBY where she and were crew hung out and played Uno.

"Someday I should hope to have the most amplest of bosoms," she often thought to herself. "I, of course, will be smart and clever, as well, because I don't wish to be considered just another 'dumb blonde with an ample bosom'. No, I dream of breaking that stereotype. I want girls with ample bosoms around the world to know that it's okay to be smart and clever. Just because your bosom is booming doesn't mean you can't be smart and clever. That's why I'm going to do great things, not just with my bodacious ta-ta's, but with my smarts and cleverness, as well. But before I do, I shall go to my local TCBY, and have a large peanut butter cheesecake fro-yo."

All through her formative years, Edith's bosom formed into an ample force of mammaries so ample and true that men of all ages could not help but be transfixed by them. So Edith used her ample bosom to her advantage. When she found that she could not get by on simply her smarts and cleverness alone, she'd break out her phat juggs to get what she wanted. It always worked, and to this day it still did.

Or so she thought. For when she exposed her bosom de ample to Count von Hasselhoffer his reaction was unlike she had seen before.

"Please put those things away," the Count plead.

"I don't understand," Edith said.

"You heard him, hoe," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily said. "Put your bosom away."

"But, but…" Edith said, at a loss for words. She couldn't remember the last time she was at a loss for words. Words usually came quickly to her; that's one of the things that made her so smart and clever. Words typically flew from her mouth with expert timing.

Like once she was at liquor store and the old guy behind the counter told her about this new kind of scotch that had maple syrup in it. "That sounds delightful," she told him. It was the perfect thing to say because scotch with maple syrup is the epitome of delight. At least I'm pretty sure it is; I have yet to try it. It costs 40 bucks a bottle and I've never spent that much on alcohol before so I'm a little gun shy. Perhaps when I finish this book and go on Oprah I will celebrate by buying some scotch with maple syrup in it. Yes, that's what I'll do. Oh, I can't wait! I probably should buy a bottle for Oprah, too. I bet guests bring her gifts all the time. Strategically, it would be a good thing to do because I'm hoping she will buy me an iPod. I think the chances of her getting me something will increase if I give her something, especially alcohol because she will drink a little too much and maybe when ordering my iPod online she'll accidentally click "2" instead "1" in the "How many of this item?" box, and then I'll get two iPods instead of one. I'll keep one for myself and sell the other on eBay and make a fortune because I'll make a big deal about how Oprah gave it to me. Then with the money from the sold iPod I'll buy a new leaf blower or something. I already have a perfectly good leaf blower, but by then the next-gen leaf blower will be out and I'll have to have it.

"But, but…I'm showing you my stack," Edith said, the words stumbling and fumbling from her mouth.

"Yes, I know," the Count replied. "But I've been having a lot of hard and fast sex with Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily, and if I look at your glorious bosom much longer I fear I might explode."

"Ooo. Gross," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily exclaimed.

"No, not like that," the Count said. "Not explode in sexual way. Sorry. I meant explode as in 'my penis would fall off from being so overworked and such'."

"Well, then you did mean it in a sexual way," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily.

"No, you got me wrong," the Count said.

"No, I got you right," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily.

"No, I mean I feared my penis would actually explode - non-sexually explode."

"Ooo, gross."

"Exactly."

"Well, I can't help but admire your restraint, Count von Hasselhoffer," Edith said. "No man has ever been able to non-succumb to charms of my ample bosom."

"That doesn't surprise me," the Count said. "For your ample bosom is a bosom with amplitude so immense that I can't think of any other that would rival it."

"Ahem," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily ahem-ed.

Then the room went suddenly silent.

Then Dame Maggie Chatterlily ahem-ed once more.

Then the room went silent again.

Then Dame Maggie thought about ahem-ing again, but decided against, so the room stayed silent.

It was kinda awkward.

This post is dedicated to Merlin Olsen.