Of course, while Wendy was going over text messaging strategies with Officer Shelton, she didn't noticed that Edith Stumplonia had left kitchen 19B to look for mozzarella for the Count's meatloaf panini. When she got off her text message thingy and returned to the counter at the Dairy Queen she was surprised to find Count von Hasselhoffer and Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily Edith-less and having sex in the industrial sink.

"May I take your order, sir?" Wendy asked, trying to act as if nothing was wrong.

"Not now," the Count replied, "I'm having sex with Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily in this industrial sink."

"May I go on my break then?" Wendy asked.

"Didn't you just go on one?" the Count asked back. He had one of Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily's ears up in his armpit. This was no small feat given how large her head was.

"Yes, but it's kind of an emergency," Wendy lied. "My boyfriend needs to get his test results."

"Test results?"

"Yeah."

The Count wanted to ask what kind of results from what kind of test Wendy's boyfriend needed to get, but he thought that wouldn't be germane, also kind of rude.

"Oh," he said. "Very well. Go take your break."

"Thanks!" Wendy said before disappearing yet again behind the sugar cones behind the counter of the Dairy Queen.

"You're very kind to your poor employees, Count," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily said. Her nose was smushed up into his sternum so she sounded like an exotic bird.

"Shhh!" Count von Hasselhoffer said. "I think I hear the Exotic Bird of Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea."

"The Exotic Bird of Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea?" Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily asked.

"There it is again!" the Count exclaimed.

The Exotic Bird of Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea was an important figure for the townsfolk of Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea. Legend had it the bird came to town via a large zeppelin flown by gypsies. That's kind of hard to believe, because let's be honest: gypsies aren't the best zeppelin drivers. Supposedly, one single feather from the bird could solve all your ills, as well as offer wildly successful tips on how to build a winning fantasy football team. Again, a little hard to believe, as we all know that the oils from the pelt of a baby seal is the best thing to help your fantasy football franchise. Still, the townsfolk made these legends a part of Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea's lore. All over town you could buy little Exotic Bird of Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea tchotchkes. It didn't matter that the bird hadn't been seen in years; the chamber of commerce milked it for all it was worth.

Count von Hasselhoffer had been intently searching for the bird as of late. He hoped finding it would be a boost to his registrar probate candidacy; he imagined it would be quite a coupe coup to bust it out during his debate with Edith Stumplonia. Plus he also was desperate to do well in his Royal Fantasy Football League. His brother Jermaine always won and the Count was getting sick of it.

"I can't hear anything," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily said, her nose now unsmushed from the Count's sternum.

"I swore I heard it," the Count said,

"Oh, don't get distracted. Here, let me put my ear back up in your armpit."

"Oh, all right," the Count said raising his armpit and stuffing it with the hot, sweaty Dame ear.

But the Count's heart wasn't into it. Sure he loved having a woman's ear in his armpit while having sex an industrial sink as much as the next guy, but now that he had heard the Exotic Bird of Hasselhofferania By-the-Sea, his mind was elsewhere,

"I must find that bird," he muttered.

"What?" Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily asked.

"I said I must find that bird!" the Count yelled.

"Sorry!" Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily shouted in reply, "I can't hear you! My ear is stuffed up in your armpit!"

This post is dedicated to the pole vault.