"Listen," Officer Shelton said to the 36-sh above-average looking man at the end of the line whose name was C Monks. "We don't want to buy an XBOX 360. We just want to get out of the basement."

"Well, I want to be the greatest blogger in the world, so we all have our little pipe dreams, I guess," C Monks snapped back.

It was true: he did want to be the greatest blogger in the world. He's spent much of his last three year honing his blogging skills in a effort to attain blogging dominance. But here he was waiting to buy an XBOX 360 at the Best Buy Hasselhoffer Castle with little to show for it but a couple links from Gawker and Boing Boing.

"We promise we won't buy an XBOX 360," Otto pleaded.

"Hey, promises don't pay the rent," C Monks said.

"No, I suppose they don't," Ottos said. "But I don't see what that has to do with it."

"Neither do I," answered C, "but it sounded cool. Made me feel really awesome and powerful when I said it. I think I'll blog about it tomorrow--oh wait, I can't."

C remembered that he couldn't blog tomorrow about the cool phrase he just used because he already vowed he'd devote the entire month on his blog to his masterwork, a sprawling novel that while titillating, was non-erotic, because that would be too easy for a writer of his skill.

(I think it's important to note that I'm attempting to do what only the finest novelists in the world attempt to do: incorporate themselves into their masterworks. I realize it's a bit of a risk, because I'm way more attractive and interesting than my characters, but if it adds to the density of my text I can't help but give it a try.)

"What can we do to convince you that we won't buy an XBOX 360?" Morris asked.

C Monks looked down at the tiny Ugandan leprechaun only to see there was nothing Ugandan or leprechaun-y about him. Instead he appeared to C as Zoey Deschanel, the underrated and really pretty film actress.

"Oh," C said, clearly stunned, "Zoey Deschanel, wow."

"Please let us pass," Zoey/Morris said.

"Um…wow…Zoey, I didn't expect to see you here. You're…um….lovely."

"What the hell is going on?" Officer Shelton said, frowning at C and then Zoey/Morris.

"He thinks the penguin is Zoey Deschanel, the underrated and really pretty film actress" Otto told him.

"Penguin? Stop squinting, Otto. You mean, Morris, our not-so-evil Ugandan leprechaun friend."

"Oh, right," Otto said, un-squinting his eyes.

"So, Zoey, you like the BOX, too, huh?" C asked.

"The box?" Zoey/Morris asked.

"Yeah," C said. "The BOX—the XBOX."

"Oh. No, not really."

"You don't?" C asked. He sounded disappointed.

"No. Video games are for boys."

"They are?" C cleared his throat. "I mean, yes, they are. Silly boys and their video games. I'm not here getting one for me. Nope. I'm waiting in line for my nephew. He's a boy. Yeah, I had some time to kill and figured I'd do him a favor and wait in line to buy one for him. He's a hemophiliac."

"Oh, that's nice of you," Zoey/Morris said.

"I am so going to blog about this tomorrow," C said under his breath. But then he remembered he couldn't. "Stupid masterwork," he muttered.

This post is dedicated to the perfect holiday gift.