"'Tis a pleasure to meet ya', Morris," Otto said. Then he turned to Officer Shelton, "He says he's not real."

"Yeah, I know," Officer Shelton replied. "I think it's some sort of tiny Ugandan custom. Haven't quite figured it out yet."

"I'm just a figment of your imaginations," Morris said.

"I think we're supposed to give him a gift or something and then he'll stop," Officer Shelton said. "I offered to give him my gun, but he took a pass. No wonder; it's as big as his head."

"Well, I'll be hidden in clover," Otto said.

"What did you say?" asked Officer Shelton.

"Are you mocking me, sir?" Morris asked Otto. He had has tiny hands on his hips and he looked angry. It was so cute.

"My apologies, Morris," Otto answered. "'Tis not my wish to mock ya'. 'Tis I been speaking with an Irish accent of late. 'Tis troublesome, it is. 'Tis."

"It is kind of strange," Officer Shelton said.

"'Tis, I know," Otto said.

(I realize my Irish accent-writing isn't that realistic, but I'm working on it. A friend of mine is going to look over it. He had a long layover in Dublin's airport last summer, so I have faith that'll he'll be able to spruce up Otto's dialogue and make it more Irish for the next draft. I also have to figure out why I've given Otto an Irish accent. Not sure why I did this. Sometimes my genius shows itself before I can understand it.)

"Hmm," Officer Shelton hmm-ed.

"'Tis, hmm," Ottos said.

"I'd like to go back to my field of rainbows now," Morris said.

"Why?" Officer Shelton asked. He sounded really disappointed.

"You guys are kind of weirding me out," Morris said.

"It's because we're white, right?" Officer Shelton said. Officer Shelton tried always to be conscious of racial dynamics. He felt it was his duty as a police officer to make sure he always looked at a situation through an unbiased lens.

"Race has nothing to do with it," Morris said.

"That's easy for you to say; you're tiny and Ugandan and live in a field of rainbows." Offcier Shelton said. "Out here in the real world, race has everything to do with it, little man!"

"Aye, Officer Shelton, go easy on the wee lad," Otto said.

"Go easy on him? He's had it easy all his life!" Officer Shelton said. "Aside from being kidnapped and forced into slavery, his life has been a cakewalk. It's me who's had it tough. You think it was easy growing up in the same class as Count von Hasselhoffer? Well, huh, do you?"

"'Tis no," Otto replied.

"Damn right, 'tis no! I never got the respect I deserved because the Count always took the accolades. In seventh grade I worked hard to become von Hasselfhoffer Junior High's kickball team's captain. I put in hour after hour kicking big red balls over and over again because I knew that only through hard work would I earn the respect of my teammates and coaches, and thus be made captain. But guess what happened?

"Count von Hasselhoffer was named captain?"

"No, he never played kickball. I was named captain. Doesn't really have anything to do with my point, I just like telling people I was captain of my junior high's kickball team."

"I sure you were a very find captain," Morris said.

"I was. It was awesome. Chicks dug me big time. And those horse steroid rumors were way of base," Officer Shelton said. "Put stuff meant for horses in my body!?? Are you crazy? Never. Nope. Not me. Alright, I took some--but just a little. Brian Trotter was kicking the ball like a superstar, and I needed to keep pace with him. No way was I gonna let him replace me in the line-up; he was from a family of vegans! Besides, horse steroids really aren’t that bad. There are worse things to take, like badger uppers. Those are ridiculous. Moose hormones are really bad, too; I spent a week in a bog waiting for my antlers to molt. I'll never take those again."

"So, yeah, I'm going to head back to the rainbows now," Morris said.

"You can't!" Officer Shelton cried. "Without you I can't bring down Count von Hasselhoffer by exposing the injustice he's done to you."

"I really don't mind living in a field of rainbows," Morris said.

"Yes, you do! You'd rather be back in Africa living among all your tiny friends and family."

"Yeah, but like I said, I'm just a figment of your imagination, so I don't think I can help you bring down Master CVH."

"Listen, just tell me what kind of gift you want and I'll buy you it."

"I don't want a gift."

"You want some cake? A pet goat? What?"

"I don't want anything," Morris answered. "I'm not real. You only see me because you've eaten some strange-tasting hot dogs.

"Oh," Officer Shelton ohh-ed.

"So, I'm afraid I can't help you bring down the Count."

Oh, but you can!" Officer Shelton exclaimed.

"I can?"

"Yes! When others taste the strange-tasting hot dogs they will see you and then you will tell them your tale of woe."

"But I'm that unhappy," Morris said.

"Nonsense!" Officer Shelton yelled. "You're miserable!"

"Well, even if I was, how do you know that others will see me?"

"Well, Otto can see you."

"'Tis I can," Otto said. "But if I squint my eyes just so I can make the lad turn into a penguin."

"Well, we'll just tell people not to squint their eyes then," Officer Shelton said.

"What if it's sunny?" Otto asked.

"What do you mean?" Officer Shelton asked.

"The sun will make them squint."

"Hmm," Officer Shelton hmm-ed. "I hadn't thought of that."

"You could give them sunglasses," Morris said.

"Of course! Sunglasses!" Officer Shelton said. "Great-thinking, tiny man!" He raised his hand to give Morris a high-five, but realized Morris couldn't reach it. So then he lowered his hand to offer a low five, but Morris still couldn't reach it. So then he just affectionately patted Morris on the head.

"Thanks," Morris said. He really looked proud of himself. Sooooo cute!

"You see, you can't leave now. We work so well together," Officer Shelton said.

"Aye," said Otto, "'Tis he is the smartest penguin me eyes have ever seen."

"Stop squinting, Otto," Officer Shelton said. "And that sounded more pirate than Irish."

This post is dedicated to classical music.