"Wendy?" the Count called out.

"Yes, sir?" Wendy replied.

"Has Edith finished taking the meat loaf from between her thighs?"

"Yes, sir, she has."

"Thank you," the Count said looking up to see Edith's giant loaf of meat spread out on the kitchen counter.

"May I take your order, sir?" Wendy asked.

"For the last time, no!" the Count yelled.

"Well, can I text message my boyfriend then?" she asked.

"Yes, yes, go ahead, whatever," the Count said, clearly annoyed by Wendy's questions.

"Thanks!" Wendy said, smiling. She closed the window and disappeared behind a stack of sugar cones.

"You can't get good underlings anymore," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily said.

"Tell me about it," Count von Hasselhoffer said. "You would think all these poor people would be happy to work in a rich count's castle."

"That's the problem with the poor," Edith chimed in. "They're forever worried about food and shelter so they don't know what a good thing is when it comes along. If I were poor I'd love to work in a Dairy Queen in one of your 54 kitchens, Count."

"Thanks, Edith," the Count said. "Makes me feel good to hear that."

"No problem," Edith said. The Count was playing right into her hands and soon he would be eating her psychotics-laced meat loaf. Even though she had come to admire the Count for his muscular physique and the way he handled his underlings, she still was not going to relinquish her post to him. By sundown he would be a raving psychotic mess, and the following morning he'd still feel its effects when he goes on Crazy Wayne's Morning Zoo radio show. After that no citizen in their right mind would vote for him to be registrar probate. People want their registrar probate to be strong and in charge and not smacked-up on psychotics-laced meat loaf. The job of registrar probate is an important one and even though I don't have a clue what it entails, I know it is probably very vital to the well-being of a community. My guess is that it has something to do with probation and registering people who are on probation, like for small crimes and stuff. That actually makes the job sound kind of scary. I'd hate to have to work with criminals. Criminals are scary.

(I'll be sure to do some research about registrar probates before the next draft. I could Google it right now to find out more, but I'm kind of distracted at the moment. You see, my new college basketball video game is supposed to arrive in the mail any second and I'm really excited about it. I've been playing last year's version a lot lately, so that I'll be well-practiced when the latest version arrives. Yes, the controls might be a little different in the new version, but they can't be all that different, right? I hope not. That would mean I built up these calluses on my thumbs for nothing. Aaargh.)

"What would you like on your meat loaf panini?" Edith asked the Count.

"Just a couple slices of fresh mozzarell—oh darn it!" he said.

"What's a matter?" Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily asked. She was trying to be attentive as possible to him. Even though she realized that it was only about the sex with the Count, she had become to feel territorial about him ever since Edith had shown up.

"There isn't any mozzarella in this kitchen! There's only a little left, and it's in kitchen 5E. Darn it!"

"Well, surely you can get by without any mozzarella for one panini, right?" Edith asked.

"Stop talking like a crazy woman!" the Count yelled. "A panini without fresh mozzarella!?! What are you, poor?"

"Yeah," Dame Maggie asked Edith. "Are you a crazy poor person?"

"Sorry, I just don't see why you have to have mozzarella on your panini right now," Edith said. "My meat loaf is spectacular; it doesn't need anything else with it."

"No wonder I want to unseat you as registrar probate," the Count said. "You don't put fresh mozzarella on your paninis! I'm going to crush you on election day!"

"Yeah,

Suddenly, Edith felt her plans falling through. It was clear Count von Hasselhoffer was not going to eat her psychotics-laced meat loaf unless it came with fresh mozzarella. Losing her post as registrar probate was beginning to feel like a real possibility. So with her back against the wall, Edith resorted to doing what she often did to get herself out of a jam: she raised her World Champion Red Sox shirt and revealed her ample bosom.

"What are you doing?" Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily and Count von Hasselhoffer asked in unison, incredulously.

"Perhaps my burying your face in my ample bosom will work a as a substitute for fresh mozzarella, Count," Edith said.

Count von Hasselhoffer gazed at Edith's ample bosom. It was impossible not to be transfixed by her chick pillows. They were like two giant wildcats devouring a squirrel. Sort of. Not really. Regardless, he enjoyed the view.

"Thank you for sharing your ample bosom with me again, Edith," the Count said.

"Go ahead," Edith said, holding her rack out for him. "Bury your face in them."

"Thanks, but I think I'd like to eat a meat loaf and mozzarella panini instead."

"Really?"

"Yes. Once my mind is set on eating a panini, I have to eat a panini. It's like I'm addicted to them or something."

"Very well," Edith said, lowering her shirt, "I will go to kitchen 5E and get you your fresh mozzarella," Edith announced.

"You will?" the Count said, surprised. "You'd do that for me?"

"Yes," Edith said. "Consider it a token of my friendship. Even though we are political rivals, I like and respect you for your muscular physique and the way you treat your underlings."

"Wow. Thanks," the Count replied.

"I, too, like and respect you for your muscular physique and the way you treat your underlings," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily said. She considered offering to get the mozzarella, but didn't want to leave the Count alone with such an ample bosom.

"Thanks, Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily," the Count said.

"Oh, please, Count, call me 'Dame'."

"No thanks."

"Alright, I'll be off then," Edith said.

"Great," the Count said,

"Awesome," Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily said.

And then I waited for my college basketball video game to arrive via Federal Express.

This post is dedicated to fine hand soaps.

***There is a NEW PHOTO***