As smart and rich and good-looking as the Count and Edith and Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily were, they weren't savvy to the true identity of Wendy, the eager young worker at the Dairy Queen in kitchen 19B of Hasselhoffer Castle. Wendy was not just an employee of Dairy Queen, but she was an undercover agent for the Federal Police, as well.

Yes, it was hard to hold down two jobs, especially given that her breaks were few and far between at DQ, but she was a driven young thing, and she gave her all at whatever she did. She also was trying to raise money towards buying a big, fancy trampoline for her backyard.

When she was a young girl, Wendy longed to have a big, fancy trampoline in her backyard. She wanted to bounce high in the air forever and ever. It would feel so free and so bouncy, she thought. Every Christmas she asked her parents for a big, fancy trampoline and every year they denied her of her wish.

"We're Muslim," they told her. "For the last time: we don't celebrate Christian holidays."

(And with this revelation about Wendy, I proudly announce the second character of color in my masterwork. Not content with simply having one character of color (Morris, the not-so-evil, imaginary Ugandan leprechaun), I have introduced another. Not only is she non-white, but she is Muslim, to boot. Wendy the Muslin Dairy Queen worker/Federal policewoman will be a "good guy" in this epic. I felt it was high time an important piece of literature casts a positive light on Muslims, and I am proud to be the first novelist to do this. Ever. And even though I know next to nothing about Muslims or Islam (they're the same thing, right?), I will study up on it as much as possible after my new college basketball video game arrives and I play it for a couple of weeks. Still don't know why it hasn't come yet. It was supposed to ship on Monday. I'm so excited about it. The game has each and every Division I basketball team. You can take over a squad and build a champion through expert recruiting and solid game strategy. In last year's game I started out coaching Dartmouth College and eventually got a job at the University of Minnesota where I led the Golden Gophers to three NCAA titles in eight years. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: how could I coach Minnesota when I'm Wisconsin alum? Well, believe me, if I got a job offer from Wisconsin I'd accept it in a minute, but the game has never given me that opportunity, so Minnesota it was. I'm not sure what school I'll start out in for this year's game. Maybe Dartmouth again, but I fear I'll get sick of those boring green uniforms pretty quickly. I know it’s an Ivy League school and full of tradition and whatnot, but you think they could make their uniforms a little snazzier. It's not like they have money issues or anything. Anyway, Muslims: I'm happy to portray a good one of you in my masterwork. I think you'll be proud of the things Wendy will do in this epic. She's also incredibly hot and will wear a bikini in many scenes. You're welcome!)

Despite the fact that her religion didn't allow her to celebrate the best holiday of all-time, Wendy kept her dream of getting a big, fancy trampoline. The problem was they were incredibly expensive, much more expensive than small, non-fancy trampolines. Her father, a kind and bearded man, offered to buy her a small, non-fancy trampoline for Ramadan one year, but Wendy said she only wanted a big, fancy trampoline.

"Small, non-fancy trampolines are for Infidels!" she told him. Then she ran to her room and cried on her camel.

When Wendy was a teenager, she took advantage of Rumspringa, the traditional rite of passage in the Muslim religion, where adolescents are released from the church and its rules for a period lasting months or sometimes years. She got into a lot of heavy drugs during this time, and for a spell she had a recurring role in an underground production of Urinetown: the Musical. But her time away from Islam did nothing to dissuade her from wanting to bounce on a big, fancy trampoline in her backyard, so she returned to her family and got a job at the Dairy Queen in Hasselhoffer castle. A month later, she answered an ad in the back of Vogue for Men and was hired as an undercover detective for the Federal Police.

And now here she was, behind a stack of sugar cones behind a window behind the counter of the Dairy Queen in kitchen 19B of Hasselhoffer Castle. She had told the Count that she needed to text message her boyfriend, but that was a lie; she was text messaging her boss, Officer Shelton, who was not her boyfriend and who up until this point in my masterwork had been working for the regular police. I'm changing that now and making him work for the Federal Police because the Federal Police is more important-sounding and thus commands more respect than the regular police. So from here on out just pretend that Officer Shelton was a leader of the Federal Police all the while. Thanks.

"R-E-L-I-S-H I-S W-I-T-H T-O-M-A-T-O A-N-D K-E-T-C-H-U-P," Wendy typed into her high-tech Federal Police text messaging thingy. Those were the secret code names for Count von Hasselhoffer, Dame Maggie Percival Chatterlily and Edith Stumplonia, respectively.

"G-O-O-D W-O-R-K," came the reply from Officer Shelton, leader of the Federal Police. "I T-H-I-N-K T-O-M-A-T-O I-S S-P-E-L-L-E-D W-I-T-H A-N 'E', T-H-O-U-G-H."

"I-T I-S?" Wendy text messaged back to him.

"Y-E-S," Officer Shelton text replied.

"A-R-E Y-O-U S-U-R-E?"

"Y-E-S, B-U-T L-E-T M-E A-S-K T-H-E U-G-A-N-D-A-N L-E-P-R-E-C-H-A-U-N T-O M-A-K-E S-U-R-E. H-O-L-D A S-E-C."

Wendy waited for his response. She was always unsure about her spelling, particularly when it came to spelling fruits that people always thought were vegetables. She could count on one hand the number of times she was able to spell "pumpkin" correctly. However, this time she believed she had gotten "tomato" right.

"Y-O-U W-E-R-E R-I-G-H-T. 'T-O-M-A-T-O' D-O-E-S N-O-T H-A-V-E A-N 'E' I-N I-T," Officer Shelton text messaged. "S-O-R-R-Y. M-Y B-A-D."

This post is dedicated to Veteran's Day, which allows me the chance to take tomorrow off in honor of the holiday. See you Monday.