We made Christmas cookies over the weekend. They rock. They make the cookies our neighbors doled out look like little bitch cakes. I don't know why they bother trying to out Christmas cookie us. All the playas know who's got the juice when it comes to making Christmas cookies. We do! So step off. We make the sweetest ass Christmas cookies in the neighborhood. Hands down!

When I delivered a tin of them to one of our neighbors he gave me all this attitude about it.

"Thank you so much," the dude said.

How weak is that? Damn right you better thank me so much. Our Christmas cookies are the bomb, Holmes. Way better than yours. Ours would kill your lame-ass Christmas cookies in a knife fight hands down. You should be kissing my feet and thanking me for not ordering my Christmas cookies to whip your Christmas cookies upside the head.

You would think our neighbors would be more grateful. We've given them the best gift they'll get all year. Our cookies are GOOD. They're like seven iPods and nine XBOX 360s, except cookies. You can't play music or games on them, but that don't really matter. I mean, it would be cool if you could do those things with our cookies, because, well, you'd die happy right then and there. But you can't do those things with a cookie. Not yet, anyway.

However, if you could listen to music or play video games on a cookie, then our cookies would be the perfect candidates for doing that. They would also be good for thwarting terrorists, balancing your checkbook, and finding Waldo. That would be awesome. I never can find Waldo. The Chosen One always finds him before I do. Pisses me off.

But until scientists invent cookies that can play music and video games, thwart terrorists, balance your checkbook, and help you find Waldo, our cookies are the next best thing. So show us some appreciation, peeps! Damn!

This post is dedicated to maids a milking!