Reggie Jackson. George Gervin. John Riggins. Those are just a few of the names of athletes who have proudly worn the number 44. Now a new name shall be added to that list: Dave House, the 44th person to be brave and courageous and intestinal fortitudinal enough to allow their photograph to be displayed on Utter Wonder.

I don't know whether Dave House is an athlete or not, but for the purposes of this induction I'm going to go ahead and say that he is. Dave House is a tri-county champion gymnast and from this day on he will wear the number 44 on his gymnast leotard or whatever they call that form-fitting thing that gymnasts wear. Not only will he wear the #44, but he will wear it proudly because that's what brave and courageous and intestinal fortitudinal gymnasts do. They twirl and swing and jump around and they wear their numbers proudly, especially when the number can only be divisible by 1, 4, 11, 22, and itself.

You know, male gymnasts get a bad rap, especially ones from the tri-county area. Many people think they are pansies and losers, but not me. At least not today. You see, Dave House is the first male gymnast to ever apply to the UWHOF, and that makes gymnasts all over the tri-county area okay with me. I love male gymnasts. I love when they twirl and swing and jump around. They're like Chippendale Dancers, but without the self-hate. God bless male gymnasts and god bless Dave House.

So now let's do like we always do for an induction and stare at Dave House's photo for a period of time no shorter than five seconds. Begin!

One-Mitch Gaylord...

Two-Mitch Gaylord...

Three-Mitch Gaylord...

Four-Mitch Gaylord....

Five-Mitch Gaylord...

Well done! So what do you think of Dave House's pic? I think he looks mighty hirsute for a gymnast. When was the last time you saw a hairy gymnast? I don't think I've ever seen one. Well, more power to him. He looks so happy and festive. Besides being a hairy gymnast, another interesting fact about Dave House is that he devotes his life towards studying and writing about skin blemishes. When he told me about this I didn't no whether to run away or to run away faster. But after visiting his blog and reading it for a few seconds, it quickly became clear that running away even faster was the way to go. With that said, I think the joy he feels for his chosen study is evident in his photo. There must have been a holiday sale on Clearasil or something. Yippee!

When Dave House applied to the Hall he asked me to tell him about my own blemishes, but I was sorry to inform that I haven't any. No, my skin is as clear as can be thanks to my patented facial skin care secrets. It really works, people! My complexion is like a porcelain doll's, only prettier and less prone to shattering or being written on in magic marker by a bored five-year-old girl. I don't have those harrowing dead, glossy eyes a porcelain doll has either. In other words, I'm way better than a porcelain doll. Porcelain dolls are skanks.

Anyway, without further ado, I hereby officially induct Dave House into Utter Wonder's Hall of Fame. May his hairy, blemished body twirl and swing and jump around the Hall for eternity. For his efforts Dave House has received a signed copy of a fan letter I sent Star Jones. You could have one too: just send me an actual photograph of yourself and you'll be the next brave and courageous and intestinal fortitudinal person to be enshrined. So get to work!