Utter Wonder: The Idle Thoughts Of C. Monks

Toddler Swim Begins.

Posted 03/22/2006 07:55 AM by cmonks in The Toddler Swim Chronicles.

Toddler swim started yesterday. My Ex-Lady had to work, so I had to fly in and go with Lil' Buddy. It was a hassle. I'm not made for long plane rides, especially when the movie is Rent. Worst of all, my physique is still very much in "winter mode," so all the toddler teachers and toddler moms and toddler gay dads didn't get the poolside eye candy they were hoping for. A shirtless me is still better than a shirtless non-me, but all the same, who can blame them for being disappointed?

I blame it on my blog shame diet instead. That thing sucked. If you remember, I thought by exposing my extra junky mid-section to the blogosphere I'd shame myself into losing some weight. Never happened. In fact, I've probably gained weight since then.

My few extra pounds aren't a big deal in rural Denmark; it's nearly impossible to tell people's body types on account of all the extra layers of clothes they wear. That's fine by me because it cuts the guilt factor way down after I've eaten my ninth donut. (Danish donuts are da bomb, yo.)

But back in the States, in my swimming trunks, in a pool, surrounded by supervising toddler honeys, my few extra pounds are a big deal. How am I supposed to convince that everybody of age wants me when I'm sporting major back fat? I mean, if I wanted to I could make like Señor Wences with the two enormous flab folds on my belly. I don't want to, though, so I won't. Maybe I'll do it in the privacy of the full length mirror on my bathroom wall, but not in front of a bunch of supervising toddler honies. That would just destroy everything they believed in.

Lil' Buddy had a good time, at least. He splashed about and frolicked just as much as his less-cute peers. More importantly, he didn't drown. So I win again.

This post is dedicated to Summer Sanders.

Comments.

Only a parent measures success by things like "He didn't drown." I've actually said stuff like that for real. "Well, he didn't get a head injury, so it was a good day of skiing."

Posted by: Jody at 03/23/2006 08:23 AM

Let me tell you that nothing will do more for your diet than the song "Push It to the Limit" (or whatever it's called) from the movie Scarface. If you want shame to really work, you have to do it on someone else's turf, e.g. post pictures of your fat body in a coffee shop and listen to the college kids play their bongos and make fun of all that flab.

Posted by: DH at 03/23/2006 08:23 AM

I know all too well the feelings of shame that arise when required to wear swim attire in front of the hotness. I, too, could stand to lose a few lbs. (I'm not Delta Burke obese, but I am not as svelt as Star, if you know what I mean.) How the other moms can fit in running on a treadmill between eating a box of Pop Tarts (cherry or blueberry, I'm a traditionalist) a day and rearing their ugly (compared to my Cutie Pot-Pie) little spawn is beyond me. So, anyways, when I am forced to go to the waterpark because CPP demands it, and I cannot tell her no (unless she wants some of my Pop Tarts), I feel my self-esteem dwindle as I stand next to the not only fit mommies, but tan mommies as well. Apparently my translucent, blinding white skin is not "hip." Whatever. Check it: to make myself feel better, I go to Wal-Mart on a Tuesday, which is apparently Wal-Mart sponsored "Sweatpants Tuesday" because everyone is wearing them. I show up in jeans and BAM!: Best Dressed. For added hipness, I wear my "Pac Man Fever" t-shirt and leave the flip flops at home. Works every time, dude. Do they have Wal-Mart in Denmark? You should see if they sponsor Sweatpant Tuesdays.

Posted by: Char at 03/23/2006 10:59 AM

Don't sweat it C.
Toddler Moms are easy.

Posted by: Charlie at 03/23/2006 12:15 PM

My diet secret is cocaine, that and herion (for when I need to go to sleep)

Posted by: Drew at 03/23/2006 02:57 PM

Don't sweat the shirtlessness, and/or the opinions of tiny-brained others -- as long as Katrinka realizes the hotness that is you, what else matters? ;)

Posted by: Tracy at 03/28/2006 09:11 PM

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