i am not c monks, i am gene. for c monks, go here today. i am blogging from a hooters in danish prison now.

the police have my failed blizzard-cup toss on camera. a team of investigative danish muslims has been on our tail since the day we left copenhagen. apparently, littering and inciting a riot are felonies here. i am in jail.

we would have gotten away. they lost us after the michael jackson convention, they say. the investigative danish muslim police would have lost us in the dust of ikea and hooters. but as it happened, one of the jerk women in the windmill we crashed in last night, a windmill nestled miles away from the nearest ikea or hooters, called the authorities.

we thought we were safe and no one cared. i mean, we walked in right in-front of another woman, and she said nothing. she just sat there staring at our bald heads, all comatose next to a breathing computer. usually, usually that means it's cool, klaus says. usually.

her three sisters didn't think it was cool though. they called the danish windmill police, and i'm not as fast of a runner as klaus. i slipped on a raspberry danish. i'm in jail now. i'll be getting a minor caning tomorrow, they tell me. i can get on the plane and head back to houston after, and only after, my minor caning. i'm a little excited. i've never had a caning. i'm going to rule this caning.

the good news is, klaus got away. he was holding my wallet and my cellphone for me at the time, too. i'm sure he'll send it back. my dear klaus. it's good you got away. i hope you run until his legs give-out or until it's an appropriate time to stop for a frozen treat at the danish dairy queen. run until you can no longer see your shadow, dear friend. like the danish wind.

that was one great guy. we had some fun times. making paninis. finger puppets. spooning on the motorcycle in a non-homosexual way. buying lumber. eating wings every night until we puked. listening to 'bad'. drinking wing schnapps. spooning on the motorcycle in a very homosexual way.

i'm going to miss you klaus! hans christian andersen, buddy. hans christian andersen.

the jailer is telling me my wings are ready.

thanks for everything, utter wonder. thanks, denmark. thanks, c monks, the greatest danish blogger of our, or any, generation. my danish caning is dedicated to you all. i'm going to rock this cane like canes have never been rocked before. a caning to blow all other canings through the caning cannon of time. hans christian andersen, friends. until the next time you visit my blog or the mighty bear parade. hans christian andersen!