I'd like to take some time today to publicly thank Oprah Winfrey. You see, every six months or so, Oprah does or says something that leads people to believe that she might be gay. Most recently she did this in the pages of her magazine, writing about her unique relationship with her best friend, who's name is, wait for it...Gayle. I haven't read the article, but from the brief synopsis I got from My Lady, it seems Oprah and Gayle are very close, probably not gay, but all the same, very close.

I don't really care whether Oprah is gay or not because it's none of my business; I don't know her personally and she's never placed keys to a new car under my seat, so for me it's a non-issue. But I do like that her sexuality is forever up for debate. Why? Because it compels people to Google "Oprah is gay" over and over and over again, and when you Google that phrase you will find that Utter Wonder is linked second from the top of the screen. My site is right between links to E! Online and Perez Hilton. This swells me with pride to know that I am smack dab in the middle of such esteemed company. Whenever I feel down and out I simply Google "Oprah is gay" and see my blog there among the blogging elite and I think "You're okay, C--you're okay." Then I eat seven donuts.

At any rate, for past couple weeks I've gotten hits upon hits upon hits from people who are just itching to know whether Oprah is gay or not. It doesn't matter that what I have to offer them is a whole lot of nothing--no, what matters is that all those extra hits help make this blog look way more popular than it actually is. It's a wonderful thing.

So in an effort to create more of these wonderful things, I will devote this week to posting more catch phrases about celebrities. My hope is that this will lure even more unknowing Googlers to Utter Wonder and therefore help me be the most famous fair-to-middling blogger in all the blogosphere.

On the surface this may seem like an easy thing to do, but it isn't. I not only have to decide upon which famous celebrities to use in a phrase, but I also have to anticipate what the zeitgeist will want to know about the celebrity. The zeitgeist is a tricky thing to predict. At least I think it is, I don't know for sure. I'm not even sure if I'm using the word correctly. Doesn't matter, though, because it sounds cool. I've always wanted to use "zeitgeist" in a post and now here I am, using "zeitgeist." Another dream come true. Yay me.

With that said, here goes my first attempt lure Googling zeitgeist-anistas:

Suri Cruise is a CPR practice-dummy.

Hello, people searching for "Suri Cruise is a CPR practice-dummy." Welcome to Utter Wonder. As you may have already noticed there isn't much relevant information here to help with your search for "Suri Cruise is a CPR practice dummy." But I think if you return to the main page of this site you will find lots of other things of interest. For instance, this.

Wasn't that great? Yes, it was. There's tons of more stuff like that on Utter Wonder. So please stay a while. Your search for "Suri Cruise is a CPR practice-dummy" can wait. And for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure that Suri Crusie is not a CPR practice-dummy. I can't say for certain she's not, of course, but odds are she isn't one. It's none of my business either way, really. I don't know Suri Cruise personally and she hasn't left keys to a new car under my seat, so for me it's a non-issue. However, I did used to think her mother was hot. Hope that helps, at least.

There. That should do the trick. I can almost hear the stampede of Googling zeitgeist-anistas heading towards this site. I'll be posting more celebrity phrases all week long, so come back tomorrow for another one. It's going to be a really special week. I can feel it. Famous fair-to-middling blogger-guy, here I come!

This post is dedicated to Oprah is a vegan.